What have you done?

Today

Three days. It's been three days since your world was completely turned upside down. It's been three days since you thought your girlfriend was a sleepy head because she was still in bed at 1pm. It's been three days since you walked into your girlfriend's room and saw the pill bottles on the nightstand. It's been three days since you discovered your girlfriend wasn't breathing. It's been three days since you saw the paramedics trying to get her to breathe again. It's been three days since you've had to call her mother and destroy her. It's been three days since your heart has been pulled from your chest.

Two days. It's been two days since you got in her bed, in the spot you found her and cried until you had nothing left. It's been two days since you finally had the courage to open the letter she left you. It's been two days since you read the words "I'm sorry, it wasn't supposed to be like this, I wasn't supposed to hurt you this much". It's been two days since you felt so much anger that you smashed your favourite mug against the wall. Why didn't she talk to you? Why didn't she tell you how she was feeling? Maybe you could have helped. Maybe you could have fixed things. She made you believe that everything was great. Why did you not notice that something was up? Are you so self absorbed that you couldn't notice that your own girlfriend was suicidal? She knew you'd feel like this because it's been two days since you read "Karlie, you made me the happiest person in the world. I have had some of my best memories with you. I was always happy when I was with you. I don't want you to think that it's your fault or you should have noticed because I didn't let you into my dark world. I just showed you my happy one, because that's what existed when I was with you. I wish it had been enough because I wanted a life with you. I wanted to marry you. I wanted to have children with you. I wanted you. I just couldn't fight the demon that was inside me any longer. Maybe if I had talked about it with you, things could be different. I just couldn't. I am sorry that I am leaving you this way, I love you, more than anything".

Yesterday. Yesterday you helped Andrea plan everything for the funeral. Yesterday you saw her in the casket for the first time. Yesterday you asked Andrea if you could have a moment alone with her. Yesterday you yelled at her until you couldn't yell anymore. Yesterday Andrea held you and told you that with time everything will be okay again. Yesterday you told Andrea that nothing will ever be okay again and showed her the engagement ring. Yesterday you told her mother all about how you had a special day planned three days ago where you were going to ask her to be your wife. Yesterday Andrea suggested putting the ring on her finger because you both know she would have said yes. Yesterday you got to see what the ring looked like on her finger. Yesterday you went to her house, fed her cats and then crawled in her bed and cried again until you fell asleep.

Today is the funeral. You can't feel anything anymore, you just feel broken. You hear people talk, people hug you but it's all a blur. At the end, Andrea tells you that Taylor would have wanted you to have the cats. Andrea places the ring in your hand and asks if you need anything. You tell her you just need to be alone and that you are going to Taylor's apartment. You get there, you see all the flowers and your heart breaks even more. You were in love with her, but she was loved but millions of people. You get closure. There are so many young girls who will never get closure, who will never understand why this happened. You don't even understand why. You have your key in the door. When you open the door, there's something different. Usually the cats are waiting by the door, but they are both over by the counter looking up at something. You jingle your keys again and they both run over to you and rub into your legs. You notice that they don't have food so you fill up the dish and then make your way over to the couch. You wore her favourite sweater, the genius one. You have the ring in your hand. You sob, thinking about what could have been. You whisper that you can't believe she's gone. It really feels like she's there though. You swear you heard her say she's right there. You look around but no one is there. Obviously Karlie. You just watched her being lowered into the ground. This isn't a dream, this is real, she's gone. She's never coming back. You don't know how you're going to go on, but you know she would want you to. You decide that you can't do anything right now, so you put the ring on your K necklace that she gave you and you make your way into her room and crawl into her bed. Today, was the day you had to say goodbye to the love of your life.