Fate

Change yourself

Somebody once asked me when I was a child,"If you could change anything, what would you change?" I'd answer something right off the top of my head. I guess there's a lot of things that I wish would change. I wish people were alive, sometimes I wish I was dead. I wish I could sing. I wish I had more confidence. There's so much more. But I don't want to live life where I'm always wishing. It's boring, it's so negative. 

I've had moments that've almost brought me to suicide. Of course, I've wished it would just end. I forget what the point is anymore. Everyone has their share of bullies and haters in their life, and everyone just wish they never existed. But they always miss one thing, that their greatest enemies might've done you the biggest favor. 

After every time someone gets themselves on that long list of haters that I have, I think to myself. I think, what did I do wrong? I do a lot of investigating. I can change my personality just like a phone can delete a picture. For some people it's hard, because they either don't want to admit they're wrong or they just don't focus on it enough. Well, if you don't admit to yourself the mistakes that you've done, getting started on forgetting won't be as easy. Character development doesn't come in a snap of your fingers.

What I'm saying is, you need to find a bad quality about yourself that might've caused this certain person to despise you. Changing you and making you stronger is what makes haters into heroes. You don't need to forgive them, you need to forgive yourself. There's always something.

We all wish we could change something, just make something better. But focusing on what you could've done blocks the way of fixing something that wouldn't've happened.

I've tried writing this two times, about multiple different people. I've stopped because I noticed that, one, it won't change and two, they hurt me too much to recall what happened. I'd rather boast about how I came to trying to kill myself to here, than boast about how badly someone has treated me.

Although, if I could change one thing about myself, I wish I wouldn't be so antisocial. Ever since I had a big fall-out between my friends and I in November of last year, I have nobody at school to talk to. They left me afraid to make friends ever again. It's hard for me to trust people and it ends up in us just drifting apart. So that's what I've been working on since January.