IMPORTANT INTRUCTIONS: Caring for/handling your Remus

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There are a few things you should know about Remus John Lupin. Number one: NEVER. Wake him up before 10:00 am unless:
a) you want to see Jesus
b) there is a fire in the building that only he has the ability to put out
c) he gives you permission, in that case proceed with caution
d) There is a limited time only chocolate sale at Honeydukes, or
e) you are Sirius Black
Number two: he must be provided with at least one cup of coffee an hour, until two hours after he wakes up or provided with the necessities to make said coffee. He likes it with 2 tablespoons of half-and-half and 1 1/4 teaspoons of sugar. Consult a) if coffee is prepared otherwise.
Number three: When your Remus is upset, proceed imidietly to Sirius Black, for he is the only person who can reverse this safely.
Number four: He is not as timid as he may seem. Although your Remus may seem to be a very quiet, reserved person, he is a very wild drunk (especially with firewisky), and on occasion is an absolute animal in bed. (Again, consult Sirius Black) Beware, for he is fully equipped with high power sarcasm and may even mumble the most mind blowing "that's what she said" jokes under his breath, so always listen carefully.
Number five: When your Remus is reading, DO NOT under ANY CURCUMSTANCES disturb him. Unless:
a) you want to see Jesus
b) there is a fire in the building that only he has the ability to put out
c) he gives you permission, in that case proceed with caution
d) there is a limited time only chocolate sale at Honeydukes, or
e) you are Sirius Black
Number six: do not grab his arse without advanced warning
Number seven: do not don't grab his arse without advanced warning (he likes it, I swear)
Number eight: do not draw dicks all over his favorite book
Number nine: do not let Sirius Black near his favorite book
Number ten: do not follow him through the castle during his prefect round. Especially under the invisibility cloak
Number eleven: When sleep troubles occur, proceed to Sirius Black, and instructions him to engage Project Somniferous (this means to very softly and slowly stroke his back while humming "the lion sleeps tonight")
These are very important rules to follow and if disregarded, you will most likely want to consult a). Thank you for thoroghly becoming aware of how to handle/care for your Remus, best of luck to you.

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