For The Survivors

The Girl That Could've Been

Case: The Girl That Could've Been
Name: Myself...

Feb. 2, 2014
I'm walking down the street, with my hands in my pockets. I get this thought all of a sudden, Why don't you just kill yourself? No one cares for you anyway. I get these thoughts way to often than I should. And, the thing is, they try to eat me alive. I get too close, but somehow I don't. And my life isn't so bad. I have a house in a good neighborhood. My parents are still together. I get decent enough grades at school. Yet I still want to kill myself. The thoughts ponder my mind everyday at random times. Like one minute I'm laughing with my friends and the next, even if it's for 5 nanoseconds, my smile will falter and these thoughts come over me. But I put on a fake smile and continue laughing. And no one seems to notice.

Feb. 3,2014
I wake up for school and see there's a snow day. Great, I could download some more music to my phone or draw. But again those damned thoughts come around while I'm texting my friend. I ask her what she would do if I told her I was going to kill myself. She replied that she would go to my house, find me, and give me a hug. That's all we really need, is it? A hug. Just the reassurance that at least one person is going to be always there for us? It's a nice thought. I was in the car, going to the gym. AS I worked out, I thought, maybe I could jump over the bars onto the machines. The drop wasn't very far down, so the most that could happen would be injuries and a few broken bones. That could prevent me from seeing American Idiot in less than two weeks. I decided against it and went home after an hour.

Feb. 5, 2014
I woke up again, as any other day and found, wait for it, another snow day. I did nothing, but folded laundry and finished homework. And as always, stupid suicidal thoughts drift into my consciousness. I texted my friend again and she said she almost ended it. She was texting her ex-boyfriend, who's still her best friend. He told her that she's his best friend even though his former best friend is dead and gone. But I thought about it a little. If my friend were to commit suicide, her ex-boyfriend and I would both be in caskets, six feet under, on either side of her.Y'know how some people say music has saved them. well in a way music did save me, but having friends that actually give two flipping shits about you are what saved me more than music ever did.

Feb. 7, 2014
Yesterday, I did a short report about a boy's suicide for school. The boy was a Polish immigrant, that grew up in Connecticut. He committed suicide on August 27, 2013. He was 15. I felt bad and emotional. I found out (from the article) that he had a Google+ account. If I had know, I would've tired to talk to him through hangouts. 
And now, as I'm writing this in French class, I'm thinking: Why am I even here? Well that and what would happen if my crush asked me out for Valentine's Day and then went with me, two other friends, and my brother to see American Idiot. Oh, but a girl can dream...

Feb. 13, 2014
Well, dear paper, tomorrow's Valentine's Day, and I'm alone...yet again.As I'm texting my friend, both of us a sad and depressed. Valentine's Day shouldn't exist is what we came to conclusion. We both don't have Valentines and I found out from my other friend that my crush isn't looking for a relationship. I suppose that's why they're called crushes, because you're crushed when the other person doesn't feel the same. It's stupid that they give an entire day to this stupid holiday that shouldn't even exist. Well any way, As I we were texting, I thought, Nobody likes me, everyone left me, they're all out without me having fun. Even though those are song lyrics, I kinda feel like that. I still think Valentine's Day is a suck-ish holiday, but I suppose I'd rather not have a Valentine, than not have a mother for Mother's Day or a father for Father's Day. But it feels crushing when that one special someone doesn't feel the same. 

Feb. 14, 2014
The dreaded day has come, little slip of paper. Valentine's Day. I still feel like shit, but I get to see American Idiot tomorrow, I suppose that's a plus.
But friends, family, and weberneters reading this, I should let you know that I doubt I'll live to see my 15th birthday in May. Just so you know, it's not because of my crush. It's because I feel like I'm a worthless piece of shit and a waste of time. I feel like the world would be better off without me. These thoughts that I mentioned weeks ago, are me away at me more and more with every minute that ticks by. And thing is, I don't have much of a valid reason to die. No one does care for me. I'm usually that friend that starts talking but realizes no one's listening and I just fade out and no one notices, especially with my family. I wish... I don't know any more. I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I give up. I give up on this life that has been thrust into my hands since day one. All you people will probably be like, no don't do it. It ain't worth it. Someone does care! Just wait, it'll get better. Well truth be told I've said all those things to my friends when they're feeling suicidal and I just think: Why am I such a hypocrite? I say those things and yet, I know deep in my heart, it won't. It never gets better, Even though life is supposed to have ups and downs, the downs feels like I'm drowning and everyone else is just living and breathing. And lately, not even music seems to be helping. I feel alone and... I feel like dying. I wonder if anyone would truly miss me if I was six feet underground in a casket. What I'm trying to say is Good-Bye. Good-bye world. Good-bye friends. Good-bye family. Good-bye innocent people on the Internet or y'know... serial killers. 
But seriously, Good-bye. See you when you go.
~The girl that would've been something great, but decided to cut short that greatness.

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A/N This is gonna be short. I apologize for not updating in three weeks. I had exams and a little bit of writer's block. This story/chapter is based on true events and thoughts I've been having. I know the last entry is a suicide note, but don't worry, I won't leave, not yet anyways. Also, the article about the boy is real.