We're at a party with a bunch of people we don't know and you're wasted. Black out wasted. I'm not doing much better than you, but I'm standing. You stumble over to me and fall. I have to catch you, struggling to keep the two of us up while you giggle and lean in like you're going to kiss me. We don't, but I do realize something very important.
You're perfect.
I invite you over to watch a movie. Our friend is there and we baited you with promises of snuggling. When you ask for it, I get nervous and move to the other couch.
I want you to like me, but I convince myself you don't.
I realize that I'm growing obsessive and it's starting to hurt. You're in and out of relationships with other people. Always seeing someone. I decide that I can't do this and let my doubts convince me to stay away from you. I don't talk to you that summer hoping for my feelings for you to settle down.
They don't.
You're heartbroken and alone. I bring you beer and cookie dough hoping to cheer you up. It seems to help. You want me to talk about my life, but my anxiety keeps me from opening up. I stay there that night pressed up against the wall even though I want to hold you.
I never get to.
You're lying beside me. We're on the floor behind my couch huddled under a blanket. My eyes are closed. You're running your fingers through the short hair on the side of my head staring intently and my face.
I've never felt so at peace.
You're wearing a pizza onsie. You tell me about the time you hiked up a mountain in it and I'm captivated. You were stressed earlier about the leak in your ceiling and the party you are planning to throw tomorrow, but have calmed down now. We're laying on your bed. You close your eyes in a hurry every time I open mine. I know you're watching me.
I decide I'm going to tell you how I feel at your party tomorrow.
I'm sitting on your day bed drinking a beer and watching you flutter around your apartment. The party has started and you're desperately trying to make sure everything is perfect. People are still showing up and you're distracted, so I wait patiently until we can have a moment alone. You disappear outside for a minute and when you come back it's with her. I suddenly feel sick. She has her arm around your waist as I ask a friend to take me home.
I watch a video that night of you kissing her and I decide I need to be done with you.
It's late. I'm walking you home. Well, I'm walking to the place you're staying for the night dog sitting for your friend. It's chilly. I have somewhere to be, but I'm in no hurry. We're stopped beside the street waiting for the light to turn so we can cross and you're looking at me in a way that literally makes my heart skip a beat. I only see it for a second. It scares me so I look away. You ask me to come inside, but I don't want to upset my friends so I decline.
I hate myself for it.
It's the night of my birthday. I didn't invite you to my party because I didn't want to upset the person I'm sharing the night with. I wish more than anything that I could see you, but you're at a different party. Instead we Snapchat each other all night. You tell me you like me and I tell you I like you back.
You call me to tell me about your knee high socks until my friends tell me to get off the phone.
You have a new tattoo and came over to show it to me. I can't breathe for a moment when I see you.
You change my phone lock screen to a picture of you.
It's cold. We're sitting on the hill above my house looking out over the city. We're quiet. You're resting your head on my shoulder and my entire body is warm from the contact. I tell you I can't keep doing this. Our friends are getting angry and I need my space. I don't want to, but I let you leave. I don't know the extent of my feelings yet.
I love you.
I love you.
