If I was asked to describe myself in three words that I think other people see me as, they would be; shy, polite and boring. If I add extremely to the front of shy, does that still count as three words?
I'm currently sitting in my university's library. My heart is pounding. I my eyes keep threatening to burst out tears. My music is turned up so loud that I've drowned out all other sounds.
Even thought I know it's crazy, that I'll sound like I'm super self obsessed and vain, I always feel like everyone is looking at me. Judging me. I logically know that's everyone is in their own little worlds and could give a flying fuck about me, but still.....
I just want to cry. I want to curl up in a little ball and disappear into myself. I'm procrastinating going back to my on campus residence. I have no friends there, and everyone is so close. Except for me. I'm afraid to go the common room, walk around the halls and go out to the courtyard. I sit and my room and cry to the sounds of laughs outside my window. Knowing I and physically as well as emotionally unable to have the same sort of interaction with people.
It's my anxiety.
And now, pause for the eye roll. Ohhh, you think. Another first world privileged white girl complaining about how hard she has it with her anxiety when people are actually suffering in the world.
I know all that and it makes my anxiety even worse. It's extremely hard for me to put it into words. People would kill to be in my position in life. First year business degree at one of the top Universities in my country. And my dad is paying for most of my degree. And my accommodation. I know I'm so lucky. I know that. But anxiety forces me into submission. A little sliver of a person.
I don't have any "real problems".
Just my severe anxiety.
Is that a problem?
