Poetic Journal ;'))

A rant about EVERYTHING.

This is probably gonna be long. I have spent every single night  crying to myself since I was 11 years old wishing that my life would just fix. I have spent every single day, BARELY breathing, barely forcing myself to wake up and continue my life. I've spent days getting bullied, taking shit in school and online, literally getting my ass beat for no reason, getting chased by multiple kids trying to jump me, getting beat every single night by my drunk father for no reason, getting degraded and told that I was worth nothing and that I wasn't his son, that I would be replaced, hearing my own mother blame me for all the problems in her life, telling me I was a mistake, and all I do is fuck everything up, and that I'm never going to amount to anything, just to turn around and get destroyed by every one of my peers for no reason, losing people I cared about and slowly dying inside.

Don't tell me I'm dramatic.

Don't tell me you know my struggle, because you haven't been in my shoes to cry yourself to sleep, with a cat as your source of comfort, begging god for forgiveness and for your life to be fixed. Don't tell me YOU KNOW me if you don't know that I am constantly living in a state of despair, depression and anxiety to the point where large amounts of people terrify me.

Don't tell me you know what it's like when you haven't attempted suicide twice and been sent to the hospital. Don't tell me you know what it's like when you weren't in 6th grade slicing your arms for the only feeling you know, pain. I'd bawl my eyes out, hysterical every day because I was failing school, had no friends, got beaten every day by not only my parent but my classmates, and even had my teachers tell me that i was coming to school for no reason because i was never going to be anything anyways. There's been so many times I've held a knife in the kitchen and was seconds away from taking my life.

I live every day of my miserable life wishing that I didn't have to keep my eyes open. I live everyday wishing that I just didn't wake up. I live everyday with the CONSTANT agonizing thoughts and the horrific flash backs of everything that's ever happened to me. Imagine waking up to a normal morning and instantly being hit with a flash back of a large man holding you down, and It still hurts to think about. I'm crying just trying to type all of this out because of the amount of emotional pain I've managed to endure, It literally amazes me that I'm able to live sanely every day. I tried to take my life, 6 months ago I was saved from taking my life. And I never knew why I wasn't dead.

Deleted alot of this...

~  Leon