Picture Perfect (Suga/min yoongi)

1

Word Count: 1,156

(Amanda's POV) 

There has always been this war inside my mind between the soul that hides and the conscience within my brain. It's always been there, bubbling and slowly expanding until one day it explodes, creating a blood splatter that would make World War III proud upon a small, sickly thin canvas; A body that's covered and stained with marks, bruises and words created by a small, thin, silver piece of metal that, even now, prances along from fingertip to fingertip, weaving over and under like a needle and thread, one wrong move and you're nicked and the chance of death is inevitable.

The walls, a cloudy and suffocating stone and a dark and eerie green of the foliage wrap around me like an unwanted blanket; longing, and yearning for comfort, but only brings panic and angst, feeding the war brewing inside. The stone steps that I have grown to despise are a dull and sickening shade of gray and dark shadows cover their faces, yet I can still see and feel their cruel and twisted grins, each one perfectly symmetrical. They laugh at how pitiful I've become.

The wind howls and its screams surround my ears. It hides my own screams and cries of pain and hurt as I drag that same piece of metal along my skin one more time, a "habit" my mother likes to call it. The floor is kind and cold as it destroys every nerve in my legs, one by one, along with the help of the condensation that had collected from the night before. Together, it can kill even the most innocent of them all without doing anything to deserve it. My converse are no longer the innocent white they had once been, but now are stained with the same sickening red along my arms as are my black and white skinny jeans. 

My mother won't be very happy.

 It won't matter in the end.

It all haunts my mind, my body, and my soul. Laughs from the fat kid in my physics class and the mockery from the football team that I had thought were all my friends. The rumours of how I slept with the foreign exchange students for help on an exam when me, myself, was in fact, a virgin.

I fight with my mind to let go, to let it all end slowly and painfully. I deserve it. I can taste something metallic in my dry and chapped mouth. I drag my tongue slowly along my upper lip. My bright blue bangs create a curtain along my face so that no one can see the hot tears that stain it. I touch my fingertips to my lips and smile slightly as I pull away. They're the same red that stains my shoes, my jeans, and my arms. 

It should be over soon.

My legs are pressed firmly against my grey T-shirt, now stained with red, as my arms lay outward, letting the cold, crisp breath of mother nature kiss and suck each and every wound, one by one. Rivers of red continue to pour from each laceration that the same piece of metal continually abuses and destroys for its own amusement. My emerald orbs stare at it with delight and slight joy as the inevitable is about to occur.

So, this is what death feels like. I went too deep this time and I now know that the war inside is finally climaxing to reach its finale. They have pushed me over the top. Everything I ever wanted to say is inside my mind. I have No note for my parents. This was reckless. Maybe if I say it to myself, the wind will carry on my message. 

"I'm sorry mom. I'm sorry for all that I have put you through, but this war ensued between the soul, the body, and mind, was just too much. It was all too much for me. You deserve so much better for a daughter. I'm sorry you couldn't understand that I am not what you wanted me to be. I wish I could've written this so you know how much I love you, but it was a last-minute decision. I don't really think I wanted it to end like this. I needed your help, but I was too afraid to ask for it. Forgive me for what I've done and please try to move on, but I understand if you don't. I wouldn't either. I love you with all my heart, well, with what's left of it."

Slowly the world starts to blur. Those stone steps are no longer grinning their malicious grin that they so often do, but now they cry tears of sadness as they realize what's happening. The walls wrap around me tighter and whisper to hold on, that it will all be okay in the end. My lips raise slightly as I hear that. A small, strained laugh escapes my lips as my orbs slowly lose the light that he loved so much. The wind howls louder screaming and crying for me to wake up. I soon realize too late that it was not the wind. The moon dims its light, knowing that nothing can be done. The world around me becomes only colors and slowly changes to what I will see for eternity: black. The color I had fallen in love with now becomes my final resting place. I lose consciousness and now those steps are nowhere in sight. The walls desperate grasp has disappeared, replaced with the cold, firm grasp of death. There's no light, no warmth. Only darkness and the cold.

So, this is what it feels like to die. I wish I could change it; to go back and rewrite what has been written, but I know that that's just not possible. He's no longer in sight, he's no longer in mind, he's just... gone. How can something so amazing just be gone? It's as easy as one, two, three, I suppose. The darkness is lonely. I want him, yet I can't have him. At least not anymore. I left and I took our world with me. He'll be alright. He'll find a new freak to love. Someone who is prettier and smarter. Someone who's comfortable in their body. Someone like Hyori. I can see them getting together in the future. I lay here forever. Only thoughts of him race through my mind that's now so quiet and so calm. 

It's something I'm not used to.

Sirens slowly emerge from the stillness and soon realize that the voice I heard was not the wind, but a man. Looks like I'm not dead yet, but They're too late. How can I still hear the sound of the engines that are attempting to save me? If this is what death truly feels like, then I don't want any part of it, again. But it's too late for me, isn't it?