Growing up, contrary to how people think I was brought up, my lola was pretty thrifty and would seldom give me what I wanted just because, except when it came to food. I don’t think I was ever allowed to walk out of the dining table or a restaurant without a full stomach. Unfortunately, I’m not one of those people who can eat anything and everything without gaining weight. As I grew older, my hips grew wide, cheeks became chubbier and my clothes tighter. I remember how difficult it was to find a dress for my kinder graduation because most stores didn’t have my size in stock. We went all around SM and even had to walk to Shang just to find a dress. We always had to have my uniforms sewn because those that were sold RTW never really fit me right. I went on with this kind of dilemma until the 6th grade. I got sick of people looking at me as if I was a walking circus, I was sick of hearing people saying that I should be careful because I might get sick ’cause of my weight, I was sick of being different from everyone else, I was sick of being ugly. I found a book on the rotation diet at home and started with it right away. For 3 days I was to only have a calorie intake of 600 calories, then for 4 days it would raise to 900, then 1200 for a week, then back to square one until I lost the excess pounds. Though that wasn’t the end of all my other insecurities in life, it was a start. Somehow I felt normal, like it was actually fit for me to be called human.
The older I got, the more conscious I got of my weight. For the longest time I stopped eating rice or would try different exercise routines just so I was certain not to go back to my old body, but it seems as though lately I haven’t been doing my job. Just recently my Enlit blockmate made a joke, though I know he didn’t mean to offend me, it really struck me when he commented “Ayoko na, baka magaya ako sa’yo, tumaba.” Honestly, he wasn’t the first to take note of my weight gain, even I noticed it, and though I know it’s my fault why I gained so much weight and how it’s up to me if I want to fix it, I can’t help but get scared every time I look in the mirror and see the chubby cheeks that have replaced what used to be my prevalent cheekbones. I can’t help but sigh when I notice that my clothes don’t quite fit the same way. I’m scared to be a freak show again. I’m scared that people will start talking smack about me behind my back all over again, I’m scared of becoming one big joke once more. I’m afraid to reach the point of no return where no matter how much I try to lose weight, my body will just never reach the status I want it to.
