As If We're Oceans

T w o: The Day I Cheated

I told you I was going to my friends house that night. You should have known.

I dont have friends here. But you were too tired, too drunk to care about anything i was saying.

I didnt have friends. I had men who thought i was hot. Men too old for me. Men with addictions. Men that didnt care about my life but what was in my pants.

You had been so distant lately. So distant it was like you weren't even there. I needed love. Affection. Someone to touch me.

So i went to his house. And thats when it happened.

We were laying on his bed, watching a movie. I dont even know the name of it. You kissed me and instantly kissed back. It got more intense as he started to take off my shirt and my hand went down his pants. By the end of the night, I knew there was nothing to regret.

But i felt so... Empty. So alone. As if the entire world was against me. Like you were against me. Are you? You are. I have no one.

I came home late that night to find you asleep. The house was quiet and it was peaceful for once. Like i could drown in my thoughts.

I sat on the couch and listened to music. Sat there and thought. What had i done? I know i made the wrong choice but you dont love me as much anymore.

Youre gone all the time. You come home drunk. Mad. You throw things at ne and hit me sometimes. Then go to bed.

I put i knife under my pillow yesterday. I dont know how far you will. You almost broke my hip when you threw me against the wall. I know i need to leave. And soon.

But i dont think i can.

Its not 4 a.m. and youre awake again. Sober this time. This is the first time in a while ive seen you without alcohol or drugs in your system. What happened to you?

"Im going out." Are you?

"Ill be home in about an hour." Will you?

"Can you make me something to eat so im not hungry when i get back?" No.

"Yes i will, babe," why did i reply?

"Im sorry im gone so much. Ive had a lot of stuff for work and college." At 4 a.m.?

"Ill be back soon." Sure you will.

"I love you." Do you?

And then you walked out the door. And i didnt see you for another 2 days.