Thoughts About a Boy

Stage 1: The neediness

The Beginning.

It always starts out the same right? Everything is great, perfect even, until the neediness and doubt creeps in. Right out from under your nose, before you know it, you become that girl.

Feelings.

I hate how you manipulate my emotions unknowingly like a puppet master. Unconsciously tugging each string, pulling right until it can bear no more tension. When I'm with you you make me feel special. I feel admired, like I have all of your attention and fill every waking thought and space inside your head. But when I'm gone you make me feel hollow. I pine after you and crave the way you've made me feel once before. This time you're not there, you don't hear me to the point I feel and become invisible. How is this possible? One extreme to the very furthest possible next. It baffles even me. I tell myself to let it go, it means nothing, I'm overthinking and looking into things too deeply. I tell myself to give you the space you deserve, yet I remember when I'm with you the things you tell me that contradict this. When you tell me how you're always thinking of me, wishing you could be with me every waking moment...
It doesn't seem like it, not anymore, not when I'm invisible.

Then things change, I see your face and things feel great, everything falls back into place and the doubt ceases, crawling back into the dark hole it emerged from. I knew it, I was overthinking, being obsessive and crazy. Right up until the moment that you have to leave once again and it's not like I expect all of you and your attention... But why do you act like that's what you're going to give me? In not so blatant words you ask me to pine after you because you say you can't deal with leaving me, with being alone, but then I go straight back to invisible. I feel like I'm the only one with you constantly on my mind, despite the fact you tell me otherwise. I don't know what to believe, even though you make me feel like every word you speak is the truth.

I begin to doubt everything.