Chapter Sixteen
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Even though we were both tired and stressed, we decided to do a little rearranging of the hotel room before bed. He told me, "I want to enjoy the view with you for a while". So we moved the couch directly in front of the floor to ceiling window. We snuggled, neither of us saying much, just enjoying each other's company.
But then Grady's stare out the window got intense and I started to worry.
I didn't like to worry. Not when it came to us and not after what I'd just inadvertently put us through.
"What are you thinking?" I whispered.
I had my legs draped over his lap and he'd been drawing little circles over my thigh. But he stopped and it took him a few seconds to get his answer in order to speak.
"Do you remember the day we took the kids to walk around campus?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
"I was thinking about that."
"Why?" He shrugged, tucking his hands around my legs almost as if he wanted to hold onto me so I wouldn't run away. I rested my head on his shoulder and kept hugging around his arm. "I remember you were surprised when I suggested it."
He nodded. "I didn't understand why you'd want to go back there with me and with them. It wasn't until we got there and walked around a bit that you didn't suggest it to hurt me. You suggested it because it was something you did with them and you wanted me to be a part of it."
He started drawing lines on my leg again and I decided it was best for me to stay quiet and just let him talk.
"I know you wouldn't suggest something like that to intentionally hurt me. It's not who you are. It's never been who you are. But." He swallowed and I watched the rain fall in his eyes. "But that's what I thought you were doing. I have to rework my thinking sometimes. I have to remind myself not everything you say or do or think or imply is to hurt me in some way. You wouldn't do that."
He turned to face me.
"You're not her." He reached out and touched my face. "And I have to stop reacting like you are. And tonight that's what I did. I reacted and thought like you were her. I can't keep doing it."
"I may get mad at you, Grady, but I don't ever want to hurt you. Not like that."
"Instinctively, I know that too." A sad smile crossed his face. "I just have to break old habits, destructive thought patterns, that's all. I'll get there. I promise."
I took hold of his hand, felt his skin against mine, and told the truth. "I don't like hearing you sing." He snorted and almost laughed. "I'm serious. Listening to that song tonight—to you—it made me want to throw up."
"Because of Gage?"
I shook my head. "Because it took you away from me. Because I've placed so much negative cogitations to it. Because even though it's given you the life you've always wanted, it's also caused you so much pain. But it's like you said I have to break old habits. I have to stop hating the one thing that makes up the majority of who you are." I squeezed his hand. "I need you to teach me to love the music again."
"How do I do that?"
"I don't know." I searched his eyes, watched the gears turn behind them. A little bit of fear and panic began to bubble up inside me as one thing came to mind. "Sing to me."
