I cannot tell you how many times I've contemplated giving up. Giving up school. Giving up motivation. Giving up caring... the past few years have been a hellish roller coaster; there were definitely more down days than up and I'm not just saying it for the dramatics or the pity.
I don't consider my life as horrible, I consider it challenging and some challenges were most definitely harder than others. Some are completely unavoidable. Some are regrettable. And some are just life lessons. I always tell myself, "it was just a bad day. A new day begins tomorrow." But sometimes it doesn't always work that way. Those bad days turn to bad weeks then months then so on and so forth. Soon it becomes a broken record. Those are the days I wish I could go back to to fix whatever was bothering me. Sometimes I get stuck in the moments rather than ignoring it. I let my anger, disappointment, hatred, agony, misery get the best of me and it ends badly. I may seem cool, calm and collected but really, that wall wrapped around my heart build more and more.
All these bricks are made of insecurity sealed with disappointment and heavily guarded on high alert. It's hard to let anyone in when you can't even trust your own damn self with your heart. Little things or big, I try to protect myself from harming my heart anymore. I feel like I let myself down when I let someone in.
When it comes to the people I love, it's different. I'm a little bitch when it comes to family. Thing is, I give and I give and I give then I take and take and take peoples shit because I let them take advantage of my kindness. I put others needs before mine. I put others errands before mine because I love to see others be happy. Feels good to see that you made someone's life easier. I let people get to me, I let people walk all over me. If their happiness costs mine, I'd gladly give up what I need to do and help others so that their life is easier. I can never say no to the people I love. Because when they hurt, I hurt.
I'm a fucking door mat.
I set fires to myself to warm others.
I sometimes wish I was as kind as people think I am. See what others see... there is a whole other me waiting for her time to shine, and I try hard to keep her locked away; she's always so angry. It's like turning off your humanity; selfish, hurting loved ones, collateral damage, will stop at nothing as long as it benefits oneself. I'm talking digging, penetrating you to the core, using your weaknesses against you because she know what'll hurt you the most. She'd cut so deep that she could breathe the ache you feel, the pain in your heart.
I don't want to be that person; so callous, so manipulative. It feels dirty once you realize what you've done.... Sometimes once you noticed you ruined someone, it's too late to apologize because apologies aren't enough. An "I'm sorry" wouldn't heal the hole you've created in someone else's heart.
I'm only human. I can do so much and it still wouldn't be enough.
