The Girl Archives.

Spring.

I know you won't see this, but I'd like to hope that if you did, you'd read it.
I saw you for the first time last night. Not the first time ever seeing you, but the first time since everything happened.
You were so casual, just like always. You were having fun and you were happy, I turned around from the bar and saw you and my legs felt like they crumbled. Everything inside me froze and the only thing I could do was run away, I ran back to my booth and sat there. You sat in the booth across. You saw me, looked over and gave me a smile and I gave you one back. They were genuine. I felt something, happiness, which is something I haven't felt since that night. I felt relieved. You were safe. You were happy. And that's all I ever wanted. You kept looking over, and I kept looking back but it was just out of, "please don't talk to me" because you don't need it, and I don't think I'd be able to face you. It was hard enough seeing you there in person, and to hear you laughing and talking. If I had to actually have a conversation I don't think I could handle it. Her arm went around your shoulder and that's when I lost it, I couldn't think straight, I couldn't breathe. I felt trapped. It was bad enough seeing you the first time, I nearly broke there and then, but the second I saw her arm snake around your shoulder and latch on to you, you broke eye contact and kissed her cheek, and I fell apart. You knew that. I got up and ran out, and you watched me leave.
You knew what you did.
you've known what you've done to me for three going on four years now, and you stood by and let it continue every single time.
From the bottom of the heart that everyone says I don't have, I hope you're happy, I hope you're sober, and I hope you're doing well for yourself, I hope you got that job you wanted, and I hope you don't stay awake at night regretting the decisions you've made, because I know you made them to the best of your ability. I'll always love you. There's never going to be a week that goes by I don't think about calling you, but I never will. Please learn from the mistake you made with me.