My childhood was completely taken away from me. I was forced to act like an adult on any circumstances.
My family was ‘the bunch’ – a loving mother and father with whom I enjoyed wonderful holidays. We would visit the Russian River and stay there until sundown. But all that changed when I was in first grade. Mother singled me out from my siblings and began abusing me. When my brothers did something wrong, I would be the one to receive punishment. At first it was just banishment to the corner of a bedroom. It worsen as time passed as I was forced to live in the basement garage, forced to wear the same clothes which slowly disintegrated into smelly rags. Well, that’s the way of my Mother to embarrass me. My mom wouldn’t allow me to eat with the rest of the family. I became an outcast. Do you know the feeling of being isolated when in fact, you’re one of them? You are a part of them? No. You don’t know how it feels. You don’t, and you’ll never know how it feels. You’ll never know because you’ll never experience how my situation was! My mom, she used to care about me. She used to be a sweet caring loving mother. She used to my angel. The one who would hug me and tell me “They can’t catch you now. I'm here.” when the dreams would haunt me. But she suddenly turned to be the monster that hunts me in my nightmares. She doesn’t care about me anymore. She doesn’t see me as her child anymore. She would deprived me of food for days and when I was granted the luxury, it was nothing more than spoiled scraps that even the dogs refused to eat. Guessing that I was begging or stealing food from elsewhere, she forced me to vomit and, at least once, made me eat the regurgitated mess. On occasion, Mom would lock me in the bathroom with ammonia and bleach mixture. It is suffocating but I need to bear it or she would starve me for days. When I got behind my chores, she would make me swallow spoonfuls of ammonia. And once, Mom even held my arm above the cooker flame.
Tell me, did my mom ever loved me? Did she ever cared about me? She did stab me with a kitchen knife and left me to clean up the suppurating pus with dirty rags. I was injured. Blood was oozing out of my wound, my stomach, and she didn’t even care! Did she enjoy my pain? Would it make her happy if I died? She even had me soak my arms in ammonia. It was so painful. It was so painful I just wanted to resist and tell my mom I can’t do it anymore, I can’t live by her rules anymore. I'm done doing what she wants me to do. I'm done with her abuses. I just want to escape that kind of life. I wanted to leave home. But she’s my mother. I can’t just leave her when Dad already did that.
All I ever dreamed was to find a family who would love me and call me their daughter. It took me years of struggle, deprivation and despair to find my dream.
My beginning was extremely turbulent, being pushed and pulled in every direction. The more grisly my situation became, the more I felt as if some immense power were sucking me into some giant undertow. I fought as hard as I could, but the cycle never seemed to end. Until suddenly, without warning, I broke free.
I'm so lucky. I'm so blessed. My dark past is behind me now. As bad as it was, I knew even back then, in the final analysis, my way of life would be up to me. The challenges of my past have made me immensely strong inside. I learned the secret of internal motivation. My experience gave me a different outlook on life. Instead of dwelling on the past, I maintained the same focus that had taught myself years ago in the garage, knowing good Lord was always over my shoulder, giving me quiet encouragement and strength when I needed it most. I made a promise to myself that if I came out of my situation alive, I had to make something of myself. I would be the best person I could be. Today I am.
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This was my monologue last March 12, 2012.
It was inspired by a true story. ;) In case you're thinking it's my story, let me clarify, IT ISN'T.
Wiiie~~ I know it sucks.. pero yaan na! XD
