The rush... the speed... the wind... the thrill... the jumps... the finish... the win... or the defeat... Everyday, every chance i get... I run... I run for the rush... I run for the speed... the wind, the thrill, the jumps, the finish, the win, but the defeat not so much...
They each make me feel whole, like nothing in my world is or ever could be wrong. Like no one can hurt me. Like no one can catch. I am alone. I am invisible... I am the rush, the speed the wind, the thrill, I am undefeated, I am me... but off the track... that's different story... the track is my safe place... once i leave it i'm not me... i'm hated... I'm bullied... I'm treated like crap!Only because i'm different, because i stand out... because the world can't well won't see the real me... they're to worried about looks, egos money, & backgrounds. i have the background, i have the money, i just don't flaunt them to the world. My friends say I have the looks... i don't believe them... i don't need fake friends who like me for my stuff... i have friends who like me for me... i think... i thought my boyfriend loved me... lie... he really didn't, he only dated me on a dare... for a laugh... to show he can get who he wants... for a notch on his belt... i should have seen through the facade... i should have known... why would Christopher, head football player, number one on the baseball team, straight a student, hottie extrodinare, all around perfect person like me? Natalie Ann... but the past is the past... this is about my troubles, my hurt, my story, my ending, my finish... "Hey Natty!" There he is! Robert my best friends, my Rob. "What's up, Rob?" "Just the sky." "No way! Really? I thought the sky was falling!" "Ha ha ha! Not today, Natty Loo!" "You know I hate when you call me that!" I said with venom in my expression but happiness in my voice because in actuality I love when he calls me that... "Oh, I know!" He remarked with a smirk and the cutest laugh ever followed. Wait, did I just call his laugh cute? Whoa, Natalie back up! Off limits! Don't risk friendship for relationship! He probably won't like you in that way anyways... "So what were you writing?" he asked and pulling me back to reality. "Oh, nothing. Just some crap for Dr. Crazy." Dr. Crazy id my counsler/ psychiatrist. Her real name is Dr. Casey but I prefer Crazy. "Oh. Well I don't think you should treat her so badly. I mean she is just trying to help." he said as serious as I'd ever heard or seen him. "Well I hate her!" "Whatever Natty, I have to go. Call me!" "Will do Master Robert!" I said trying to lighten the mood. His face was a mix of amusement and anger as he walked away. It was so strange I couldn't help but laugh. I would call him... eventually... As I went to my car I felt like i was being watched... I was right I was being watched because as soon as I was within reach of my car Bethany, number one follower of of number one scum at Ebany High School, Kelly Jacobs. Who also appeared with number two clone, Jane. The three witches. They rule the school, they own the teachers, they are the popular kids. If they don't like you then good luck surviving high school. As they circled me I calculated ways of escape. Interrupting my thought Kelly asked,"What are you doing here freak?" "Well I go to school here and I'm leaving." I stated trying to get to my car. "You aren't going anywhere yet!" Jane remarked. "And why not?" I asked, sarcasm dripping from my voice. "Because, this is your only warning... back off!" Kelly warned as her voice decreasing in volume with every syllable. "Off of what?" I questioned, sincerely confused. "Her man!" Stated Bethany. "Duh!" Jane butted in. "And I thought I was blond! Ha!" Giggled Bethany and as she spoke her voice had that annoying tone that people have when they think they rule the world with the snap of one of those pretty, expensive, perfectly manicured claws. At least she got part of her statement right, she is very much blond but I on the other hand am not... I must have had a very confused expression because Jane spoke up again and in the most matter-of-fact tone,"Robert Anderson! Goodness! Could you be any stupider?" I was sick and tired of being pushed around and bullied at school, at home, online, on the phone, and any other place I went was the never ending agony. Before, I lost control of my tears I ducked around Jane and into my car to escape the pain for a few moments... As I drove away I risked a glance in the rear view mirror. Standing there next to Kelly was Rob, my Rob, with a confused look on his face but as soon as Kelly spoke it disappeared and the wonderful care free smile and ora returned. While te witches stood there as triumphant as ever. The minute I got home I changed into my favorite sneakers and running shorts. I then went to the only place where i was free from pain and torture, the only place free from the bullies and haters, the track... my track... As I pulled back up to the school I carefully avoided the places Rob, the Witches, and anyone else would be... I went straight to the track I knew no one would be there at this hour except maybe Liz (a.k.a. Running Coach Elizabeth Pardon). As I turned the last corner before I could park by the track I saw someone else pull up who I immediately realized was Christina(Christy), my best friend! I parked an ran over to where she was and waited for her to get out of her car then gave her the biggest hug ever and it scared her because I came up from behind her. I laughed so hard when she screamed, then we both laughed. Now I had someone to talk to after I run and think everything out. Maybe I won't fall back into the dark again... Everyday I feel myself inching closer towards the edge... Only one person knows this side of me that's so easy to hide Kevin, my older brother, only knows because he found me and stopped me last time I tried to end my life and float peacefully off into the darkness... I asked him not to tell anyone, he hasn't... yet... he's the best brother a girl could ask for and if it weren't for him I wouldn't' be here I'm still trying to decide whether that's a good or bad thing because it's a constant battle against the darkness and trying not to slip back into the it and just forget the world... No one would miss me, no one would even notice i'm gone. They would just continue on with their lives and forget about the girl they used to tease, the girl they used to pass in the hallway, some girl they used to know... As I continue to run I think about these things and about the pure bliss that would come if I were to just lie down and leave this world just forget it and everything about it but the stars above... i decide that I'll wait, I won't forget today... maybe tomorrow... what's to live for anyway... As I run someone cheers me on and I remember I'm not alone Liz and Christy are here telling me i beat my 100M personal record and what?! The school record also! Wow! Didn't even mean to... someone's going to be upset tomorrow... great... as I do my cool down laps I chat with Christy about everything that has happened the last few days. Everything! We wave to Liz as she leaves. We finish our lap and start walking towards our cars also. As we walk Christy says something that surprises me... "You should see a counsler..." I stand there shocked wondering if I heard her right whe she continues. "I know you see one but you should talk to them... you're changed Natty and not in the good way. You need help, you may not realize it but you're giving up, you're failing classes, you aren't taking care of yourself, you hardly talk to anyone anymore, you overwork yourself when you run, and it's worrying us..." We? Who's we? I didn't stick around to ask. I love my best friend but I don't need help! I don't want help... I walk away and i realize she's right... I am letting go, I'm slipping, sliding, tumbling back towards aloneness, darkness, death... I didn't go home that night, I didn't sleep, I didn't eat, I went to the bridge and just sat... thinking... The next day I go to school but I avoid Christy, I avoid Rob, I ignore Kelly and her clan, I avoid thinking. I just go with the flow and get through the day because once night falls I'll escape, I'll be released from the torture, the hate, the bullying, the pain, the loss of friends, the loss of evidence that any love did or ever will exist in my life. Tonight it will all disappear... School ends. I go to the track one last time. I run the hardest and fastest I've ever run. Alone. I leave. I say a final goodbye to the track, the hurdles, the safety, the thrill... the rush... the speed... the wind... the jumps... the finish... the win...or in my case the final defeat... Little did I know ,my final dark lonely night, that Rob loved me, Christy needed me, Kelly was jealous of me, the track was lonely without me, and the world did miss me... the world did notice my absence... the world didn't treat me like somebody it used to know... So as I watch from my perch in heaven I realize that the world is better without in some ways but in even more ways the world is worse without me...
The hardest part of life and everything in it is letting go, forgetting the thrill, the rush disappearing, the wind stopping, the speed gone, and coming up to the finish, your finish, and fighting through to the win, or giving up to the defeat... the win is the beginning of it all... the win is the last leg in the race you run but the first leg for someone else... when you cross the finish line for the last time you make the choice win or defeat because once you cross it's over, done, gone... forever...
