Death Thoughts @ 12:55 AM

If They Died Before Me

     At 12:55 in the morning, I am stuck with a phone way too bright for my eyes though it's on its dimmest in a room where all lights are turned off and my only companion is the voice inside my head. Death is all that it says over and over again. I may not be thinking of killing myself as of the moment, but I am having death thoughts. Just plain thoughts of death.
     I am irritated by the smallest of things. I am irritated by how other people talk to me. I am irritated by how my room looks. I am irritated by the fact that I am alive. That's it! The fact that I'm alive irritates me so much that it makes me hate everything that is around me. Death. I want death.
     As much I want death for myself, I would never EVER wish for others' death. I don't want people to die before me. That's what I've been thinking of. I don't want people to die before me. I don't wanna come to any of my dearest friends or family's wake. I cannot stand the thought of wearing black, mourning for someone who was once so reachable, but is now stuck inside as casket pale as shit and senseless. 
     First person I thought of was my best friend, Agatha. She's the most womderful girl you could possibly meet. She never left me even if she knew I was a dumbass. I've been in and out of stupid relationships that didn't mean shit for all I know, but she never really left my side. She went through those relationships with me. She never got tired of telling me it would hurt, and she never got tired of telling me it'll be okay once things ended the way she predicted. She's my better half, in all honesty. She didn't leave me even when she got a boyfriend of her own. She's just not that kind of friend. She meant everything to me, and I knew I couldn't handle her death. I don't want her to die before I do. I don't wanna deal with her not being there anymore, you know? I just don't want her gone before me. I mean, if I die, Agatha's got her boyfriend, and her sister and all that shit. She'd be okay when I'm gone. But if she dies before me, I might as well take that blade and slit right through my pulse.
     Then I thought of my sisters. Fuck all the shit in the world, but my sisters don't deserve shit. I can't see them hurt. My sisters in pain feels like sinking without anyone to come and save me. I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of hurt. If they died before me, I'd live the rest of my life thinking I used to have the best people on earth, but lost them.
     So all the thoughts lead me to my parents. I feel like it's gonna be one hell of a ride preparing for my parents' wake. It'll be hard for me to do the shit load of work from funeral shit to death certificates. I've already spend 30 minutes crying about the thought. But then I've come to realize that that's how things are meant to be. Parents are supposed to die before their children. I thought maybe that's how nature works. It'll be devastating for sure, but sometimes the world just fucks with you, doesn't it? ,
     I think that I don't want these people to die before me is because I don't want to be alone. Of all the depressed people on earth, I think that I'm the only fucking soul who doesn't want to be left alone. Most people from mu support group wants to deal with the world by themselves. Martin, the good looking man from Kansas turns down all the girls who hit on him because of his depression and anxiety. Karen from DC thinks she doesn't need her parents or anyone at all. Karen's just 12.
     I don't want to be alone. I don't want to be left with no one to love or to feel love from. I wanna die because I feel like the world won't feel my loss, but I guess I don't want the thought of people leaving because they're so much more important than me. The world will feel their loss, and the world doesn't deserve that kind of loss. They've got more to share to the world-things I definitely lack.
     I want death, but just for myself. Good, well functioning people don't deserve death. I don't want death for anyone else but myself.