twitter // phan

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shoulders heavy, lungs empty, mind full and energy drained, phil let the weight of his every though push him further into his unmade bed, his head sinking low into the single pillow and his eyes wide open and bloodshot. his fingers were wrapped around the half empty bottle of whisky, the silky liquid swishing in different directions within the vessel as if it was trying to escape from under phil's fingers, like it would hate to be the one comforting phil on this dreaded day.

the power had cut off two hours ago, his bedroom window swinging in the harsh wind outside, drops of rain splashing down the walls like acid burning everything in its wake. after every restricted breath phil took, there would be a bold flash of lightening illuminating the entire sky, slashing through clouds and immersing itself into unshaped raindrops, leaving it's remainder on the windows.

phil was just as bothered by storms as he was when he was eight years younger, a haunting pallor on his face at every crack of electricity, and his skin patterned with goosebumps. his reflexes were slower than they had ever been, by the time he registered the fact that there was a flash of lightening, it was gone, the fear having no outlet and simply piling up in his brain like a giant mess.

although his ears were already occupied with grainy music blasting out of his three year old phone, he could hear every time the wind swept away the clouds, or rattled the leaves of full trees or simply knocked over phil's window only to open it back again.

username: @amazingphil hbd man we miss ur videos so much ????? also why is there a massive storm on ur bday is dan crying or something lol

phil was thirty today, transitioning into a period of midlife crisis all alone, no one to congratulate him, no one to tell him that he doesn't have to worry about getting old, no one getting him a cake, no one getting him a gift, no one kissing him a happy birthday.

the hollowness that he'd been trying to fill up since the past year and a half was all leading up to this point, where it was slowly seeping out of him in different forms—be it tears or blood or screaming. millilitres of happiness that he'd been collecting into the bottomless pit of his heart were filling his eyes back up with hope, his smile appearing more genuine and less forced, and his skin gaining back the lost colour in tiny sprinkled hues.

today as he lay here in this bed that has begun to feel unfamiliar, he can see all that happiness being evaporated right in front of his eyes, the blue vapour rising up and sticking to the bland ceiling and phil hoped that when he was sober in the morning, all of the blue would drip back into his body and paint itself all the vibrant colours he needed in his life.

username: quoted: "danisnotonfire: i want to be there so you don't have to be afraid "
i think @amazingphil would need this tweet today lmao hbd dad, sorry it's raining on ur special day

phil lifted the bottle to his lips once again, his movements stilling momentarily as his phone buzzed in his pocket, and he sighed, placing the bottle on the semi-firm mattress, hoping that it will stay upright and not soak his bed in the brown liquid. it's already soaked enough with tears.

'i'll still take all the blame, because you and me are both one and the same'

his mind is partly focused on the hushed lyrics hanging heavy in the air, muse quietly whispering the things that he's been telling himself every night since the departure of the only person he has ever truly loved. loosely coiled brown vines hanging above caramel eyes blind his vision for a moment—before he grabs the bottle and takes a giant gulp in hopes of erasing the image from behind his eyes, the bitter tonic working it's magic almost immediately as the once perfect relationship drowns out of phil's mind.