goodbye, h.s. AU (one shot)

I.

He was the only one who I ever saw. He was the warm spring after a winter storm. He was the clear night sky. The only one I've loved. I am not dead. I can't be. If I was I might not hurt this bad. I must be something more than that. I can remember the first time I ever saw those emerald green eyes. The eyes that have been etched in to my mind like a fucking constellation. If you could see inside my brain all you would see is those eyes and that smile and those deep cutting slits on either cheek, they would be in the sky gleaming above me. you'd hear his laugh, his breathing and his voice. The sounds would be blearing from speakers. I'd be on the grass that is the same color of his eyes, because it's the only green I remember. I remember the first time I saw that toothy smile. It's all I see anymore. Not that I've opened my eyes. I was no one when I saw him. He made someone. I realize that now. I never thought I'd find someone. I was never into romance. A least I didn't think I was. I am romantic- I am eternally, devastatingly romantic I thought people would see it because romantic isn't sugary it's dark and tormented and passionate. No one saw it. I thought they never would. When I met him he saved me in every way a person can be saved. I don't think anyone has ever loved someone as much as I loved; love him. He was my light. Scratch that He wasn't just my light,he was the sun he burns so bright he keeps everyone around him going. Maybe that's why everything so dark now. My sun burned out. Now I'm left here empty, drained and black. I opened my eyes and looked up at the white ceiling. I didn't do it this morning. I'd done it everyday since he left me. Everyday I'd pray it'd be a nightmare and I'd find him heavily breathing beside me. In hope or maybe denial I reached over to the other side of the bed. Nothing. "He's only got one month left, nova" I thought the words that ripped my heart out for the first time. My entire life flashed in front of me then.

(Flashback)

I came in the door and I heard coughing and crying from the bathroom. I tossed everything and ran up the stair to find a horrifying scene. Harry was laying on the ground passed out covered in blood. I almost felt my knees buckle trying to send me to the floor with him. I pulled my phone out and dialed the emergency service. He was taken into the hospitals custody. He used to try smile through all his pain. It was like no matter how damn sick he was his goal was to get me through it. He'd always tell jokes and I'd laugh just to make him happy. He hated seeing his loved ones cry. I never left that bedside. I stayed until I dragged myself out. I remember when he started his treatments and I watched him as he cried as his curls began to fall out. I couldn't hold it in. I lost it. I shaved a spot in my hair off and had every intention of shaving the rest but he stopped me. He used to sing to me every night while holding my hand in his warmer one and promise he'd be okay. One day he got too weak to sing so I grabbed his hand and I sang all night long. I wanted him to wake to the same voice he feel asleep to. He fought so hard. He wanted nothing more than too go on. The night before he left me he told me to please go on without him, swearing he wouldn't be upset with me. " I always loved you. did you know that? I have to go now I'm wanted elsewhere now. I'm gonna look after you okay? I'll make sure you will be okay. I will never let you go. Don't let me go?" "Never" I responded. he motioned for me to come towards him I leaned in and he kissed me and it was the most passionate kiss we ever shared. he kissed my hand and said I love you. I love you harry. I stated shakily. he closed his eyes, his beautiful eyes and left me. I wailed for hours. he took all of me with him but somehow my feet were still planted on this hospital floor. I slipped my hand out of his and lifted it to my mouth and kissed every ring on it. I left delicate kissed along his tattoo ridden arms before crossing them on his chest and pulled his crossed pendent from his hospital dress and laid it on his hands. I let my tears fall over his still body. Hoping they'd bring him back some how. But I couldn't. I kissed one last time and then barely made it out of the room before I fell to my knees. the waiting family and friends knew he was gone the only sound in the room was sobs and the pounding of my broken heart. I lost everything I had so I just laid on the white tile. Without him here I was just nothing.

(End flashback)

I couldn't take it anymore I told myself. I can't keep reliving that and it's all I seem to do. I pull myself up of this forsaken mattress and stumble down into the kitchen. I go to where I should've two weeks ago. I grab any alcohol I can find we had quite a lot just enough I think. I down about 6 gallon bottles of whiskey and I can finally feel my self leaving this hell. "I am going to be with him at last" I say as I curl up and grab the hand I love as he leads me home.