Darkness And Light

I hear them all the time
I hear the faint voices of people
All of them calling me a girl.
And when I walk down the corridors
I hear the resonating voices of kids
All of them calling me a freak.

I don't understand...
Who is this girl they all see,
When looking into my broken eyes?
Who is this 'freak'
With whom I am mistaken for?
I don't understand...
Do they find it funny to torment me in such ways?
Do they find it funny when they make me feel terrible?
Do they find it funny when I cry myself to sleep?
I don't understand...

They all look at me,
Too many eyes are on me,
Too many ignorant minds thinking about the wrong things
Too many people calling me those names...

Girl, girl, girl.
Freak, freak, freak.
Weirdo, weirdo, weirdo.
I am suffocating in an insult inferno.

I don't understand...
And I'm not the only one,
Because THEY don't understand.
They don't understand me,
Yet they feel free to insult me.

When I hear them talk in class,
I want to rise from my seat
And give them a good, hard slap.
And tell them:

Can't you understand? This is not me!
I am not a girl, nor a freak!
I am none of those things!
That person you see when looking at me,
Is an illusion your mind has built,
So that you could feel superior.

But open your eyes and see!
I am not what you call me!
I am stronger than you think,
Smarter than you think,
Better than you think.

You tell me, I'm broken
You tell me, I'm wrong
You tell me, I chose to be this way,
That it was my choice.
But was it really?

Was it really my choice,
To have been born in this family?
To have been born in the wrong body?
To have you call me 'she'?

So don't go telling me I chose this.
Because when I come home,
And take a moment in front of the mirror, I wonder

Who is this girl looking back at me,
Through this distorted mirror?
Where is the boy, the one I trust?
Why is he not staring back at me
Through my bedroom mirror?

I put my hand against it,
And find resistance.
There is another hand pushing back
The hand of a warped and twisted figure.
She moves at the same time I do
She is mirroring my moves,
I punch her, kick her,
But she fights back.

Throwing empty punches.
Crying broken curses.
One more hit.
No more resistance.
The mirror breaks.
And the girl disapears.

And I am left with broken pieces
I pick them up, and I finally see...
Him.
The boy.
The boy from my dreams.
The one that runs to his lover
And holds him tight.
The boy that no one sees,
The boy I know exists.
The boy they tell me I am not.

I take a fragment of glass,
Place it to my wrist, and
Blood pours out, ever so slowly.
I'm trying to carve perfection out of defect

My skin turns into coal
And I'm holding a lit match
My skin burning in a red blaze,
The abandoned factory that is my heart,
Pumping black ash through my veins,
Into my head, into my mind.
My mind is clouding up,
No such thing as clear vision or thought.

The smoke blows away,
A door is thrown open
And a scream is heard.
"Why did you do this to yourself?" she asks
Because you told me to be happy, I think, but I don't say that

No one understands the organized mess
Of darkness and light,
Of death and life.
No one understands the structured disaster
That I am inside.

"Why did you do this?" she asks again
"What do you want me to tell you?" I yell.
"I did it because I could.
I have that power over my body,
The ability, the strentgh, the will to do it.
I don't do it to numb out emotional pain.
No, because I can still feel that pain.
It's just so much easier to clean up blood from the floor,
Than my sanity dripping from the remnants of my broken mind.
My mental health is deteriorating like a corpse left alone.
Nothing could give me my sanity back,
Or take away my thirst for death.
Nothing will give me back the years I lost,
The years I lost pretending to be okay, while I was dying inside.
The only thing that could deliver me from this cage is death."

The next week, I'm back in school
People pretending to be my friends
Ask if I'm okay, they want to know what happened to me.
But I shrug it off, hide my scars and tell them I'm fine.
But in all honesty, I can't remember the last time I was fine.