Out of Orbit

Thoughts

I knew a girl. I knew this girl.
Who could change the thoughts from a knife to my own heart
Who could change my chances of changing back to depressed mess
Who made me think that in a dress I could look swell even with my legs
My legs so fucked up from the wrong kind of love that warmed the blade before I cut
But she did cut me, she cut my heart free and broke my mind so fragile with all the loss
New loss added to deeper pain whose wounds still oozed with the darkness that consumes
It broke the glass of my broke mind and smashed my heart like a weak ant
I feel the void, it speaks and screams for her presence but she won't come back.
She never will like so many before her.
No words, no excuses. Only the pain of a silent loss no one knows of and no one cares for.
A loss so deep it broke another I have loved who will leave without leaving
Take my heart without breaking.
But he broke me and made a mess
So big a mess my dress got longer and loose just like the noose I would need for the weight I carry both in heart, mind and body.
I'm filled with dread with a heart so dead I'm amazed I still feel
Its natural beat often strangled like my sobbing that anxiety and fear will not allow me
From fear of pain and from the laughter of those I trusted who thrusted in an icy blade
Whose cold sharpness pierced me and whose scars I bear inside my chest because my wrists could be seen and my mother could be hurt.
So I'm back to my legs, back to long clothes who hide more than just fucking fat flesh
Covered in stretch marks and knife marks alike
Of razors and serrated blades who were sharp enough to do the job
Of painting the pain in my immortal soul into the mortal bitch that I have become.
All because of a girl I loved who left a void
I try to plug with my own blood.