Nobodys

the introduction

I am drowning. Not literally, although that's not completely true. I was drowning sometimes with my own tears and thoughts. I have bulimia, depression, anxiety and every other mental illness is cool to have these days, only that I truly have them. No one knows this about me, not my parents, nor my friends, but I cry myself to sleep every night. I cry because I know that's the only genuine emotion I can have. I never liked to talk about myself in real life, but here, no one truly gives a fuck so why should I hide. I am going to tell every interesting thing about me and my life in this story, hopefully someone would read it and learn from me. I am just kidding, No one learns anything from reading this type of book, maybe if I'm lucky you would tell me you did the same or worse and I will be happy I am not the worst in the universe.

My name is, fuck it, does it matter? My name is YOU. When you can't find the power to talk to anyone, to smile, to cry, to eat, to love, to move, to nothing. That's me. Well, not exactly me, that's what I represent and what represents me. How did I get here? Who knows? I believe some of us are born to be dead. Living, but dead. That' has been me for the past two years. I tried doing everything an adolescent may find exciting. Sex, drugs, alcohol. Is there more? Maybe. Still learning.

I tried thinking about what could help me be more open: a guy to call your emotional property just so others won't call you a slut for sleeping around. Yeah that's not my style. I give zero fucks about what I am seen as. Or so I like to believe. Sometimes I do have some remorse about the things I have done. About killing people. I did that, I killed their willingness to be around me, which is kind of the same right? They killed me also years ago, so now they are dead as can be.

Well to talk about guys, I never loved any. Never felt willing to allow me to be bond to them in order to not be hurt. So careful, yet still so careless. I did cry over some boys, not because of them exclusively but for the way they left me if that makes sense. In the end I was still crying over nothing.

I feel like the first actual story should be something to keep you interested. And what sells better than sex? Virgins having sex. The amazing story about how I got deflowered (such a lovely word, right?). Probably one of the best things that ever happened to me, although it's sad to say it, but yeah you can understand how great I am if that's such an achievement. Don't get me wrong, I don't consider myself ugly, I am quite ok in my opinion, the sadness comes from inside. Some background story. I have been using Tinder for about 2 months at this point, I was hoping to find my great love, of course that was such a real expectation! Moving on, I matched with this guy, he was a model, a friend of another tinder friend but I'll leave that story for another lonely night. So of course he was really handsome, we talked about a festival we both went kind of small talk, after that we kept talking on anther social media platform. Gotta love 'em. A brief description of what he looked like? Imagine a combination between James Dean and s super tall green eyed demigod. That was him. Such a shame he lived in a different city. We talked for about one month before meeting, everything was ok, I thought. Another month of pointless time wasting talking. Some other minor non exciting things happened in between, but I won't talk about them as they are not crucial in order for me to continue this story. So one night I went to his city and met him. You know I was that kind of person guys knew exactly how to talk them into sex. I wasn't about to refuse sex with a demigod, was I? In my head we were going to be together forever and have little creatures exciting my vagina so recklessly penetrated by their father 9 months prior. That was just an exaggeration, I wasn't THAT stupid. Mind you that happened a week before my 17th birthday. Of course the actual sex was awful, now that I look back. He was gentle, I'll give him that. We were at his house, he had a queen size bad, big enough for two horny kids to have some fun. He was way more "into the business" than me, by the way he looked I was a bit shocked he talked to me to be honest. So first, I watched porn before, I knew what sex was like for them, I was smart enough to know it won't be nothing like that. We kissed, we touched, he began to go down into my sensitive area, giving me a great oral sex, I have to admit (it was the first so how would I know anyway?), I had an orgasm then, and believe me I had them before that so I knew what they felt like. When I was done, the pressure began to surround me, the question that kept running trough my mind was if I should return the favour or not. I did. I liked it. It was not that bad as people make it be. I was always the one to try new things and at that time having a penis in my mouth was the new thing. After that, the actual moment came and I tried to not change my facial expression when he was entering. The truth is it wasn't that painful as some people say. It was oddly okay for a first time. The next morning I left home and let's be honest a part of me knew that my romance with this demigod is over. He got what he wanted, I kinda got what I wanted so what's the point? We talked after a few times, no hard feelings whatsoever. I think from that moment I began to not want to get a boyfriend. Even though I wasn't that profoundly marked on the outside about getting fucked and dumped (I like to make things sound worse than they are, my artistic souls does that), I think deep down in my brain some chemical reaction went wrong and what makes me willing to get emotional attached to guys especially failed, hopefully not forever.

So that was the story about my first time having sex. That was the moment that my sexual appetite opened and I am afraid it's not going to be full in the near future.