If I cut will you see me,
Will you call me dramatic and then leave,
I cut on my wrist and on my thigh,
I don't cut for pity, but for pain and to bleed,
It's like like an addiction, makes you go insane,
If you gave me a chance then you would see,
i'm funny, and witty even unique,
So the last cut I do, will be the end,
Might bring some pain, but for me ill finally be free
-Kirsten Bland
Shower, eat, throw up, cry, shower, eat, throw up, cry. I repeat those things in my head, dreading to make a move. A move which will trigger my stomach to ache and cramp.I open my eyes staring at the peach colored wall, and looking at the super skinny inspiration models i have hanging on my wall. I roll over jealousy beginning to take over but i regret it when i feel the fat follow my body. I close my eyes thinking of how pretty I would be if i was smaller. Just as i'm about to fall asleep the usual itching begins to happen in the back of my throat, i try to clear it but it burns. I try to move my tongue around trying to wet the inside of my mouth and ease the burning sensation, but my mouth is still to dry. I look around my room and my eyes land on my backpack. My throat stops itching, but my wrist and thighs begin to itch as I realise what was inside. I slowly get up ignoring the pain that shoots through my stomach and makes me stumble. I grab my bedpost to help stable me, and when i feel better I quickly dash to my backpack and drop to the ground feeling overwhelmed and dizziness becoming too much. I look through my backpack and get the sharp tool out.
It's like I can feel it, as if it's a heat source or something. The razor is only a few inches from my thigh, and I already feel the burn of it. I don't know how long I sit there looking at the razor, sun glinting off of it making it shine in a way it never has before, but it must have been a while, because I hear my mom yell up to me that I need to hurry.
"Later" i say whispering to the sharp object that controls my life.
I stand in front of my mirror wishing i had the small waist, big butt, flat belly and a pretty face, like all the girls at school do. I walk to my closet pulling out the baggies shirt and sweatpants i can find. I turn away from the mirror to ashamed to see the way that the fat on my thighs and stomach make it harder to get the sweats up. I turn around as a tear falls, my belly is still to big and the shirt looks like I stretched it.
On the way to school I think about how good it use to be . How I use to be daddy's little girl.I remember how after one night my image of him changed. How no matter how hard i tried I made him mad. I was never good enough. Like my father said, I should've never been born. He only loved me when i got him money. I still have the scars from what he made me do. How the smell of the older men breath was so foul. How my brain went cloudy when each and every one of the guys touched me. How i screamed out in pain and called for my dad but he never came. I remember hearing my dad laugh and make jokes about. I remember the last memory i had of him before i blocked him out of my life. I still have nightmares about the last guy that touched me.
*FLASHBACK*
"Get on the bed" he says quietly, I shake my head no looking from the door quickly then back at him.
"You're suppose to be good for daddy" he says coming closer with each word. When he is finally over me I cringe at how bad his breath smells. I look away quickly and try to back up.
"I payed for one hell of an hour and that's what i'm going to get" he says pulling me back and leaning in to kiss my neck. His hands travel down my school dress, working it's way into my leggings.
"Daddy's going to make you feel really good" he says finally moving back. He grabs my leggings and begins to yank them down my legs, it burns as the rough fabric is forced off of my skin, leaving red angry lines. I shake my head quickly rushing to grab them before they were fully off.
"I'm going to make you scream" he says in a low voice. He begins to touch me on my swim suit part. I began to cry as he puts his finger right over my private.
"Dad" I scream, the pain becoming so much. My vision begins to go black and I see stars.
*END OF FLASHBACK*
They say time heals, but all it does is teaches you how to live with the pain.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heyo, I hope you enjoyed I will be trying to update very very soon! Don't forget to leave comments and let me know what you think! Ill be listing a bunch of names down below for the story title. Choose the one you think is best and ill pick the one with most votes. Also You can leave comments and let me know what you think the title should be in case you don't like ones i choose. Loads and Loads of love.
-Kel
BOOK SUGGESTION NAMES!!!!!!!
1) They Know My Name Not My Story
2)Hold My Tears Back
3)Maybe Someday You'll Realise How I Felt
4)What's The Point Of Living If I'm Going To Die Anyway
5)You Meant Everything To Me And I Meant Nothing To You
6)You Broke Me
7)True Pain
YOU ARE READING
I Tried Being Perfect Now Here's My Mask
RandomIt's like I can feel it, as if it's a heat source or something. The razor is only a few inches from my thigh, and I already feel the burn of it. I don't know how long I sit there looking at the razor, sun glinting off of it making it shine in a way...
