The Pros and Cons of Online Dating

It's happened. It has finally happened. I've finally reached that age—and you know what age I'm talking about—when some things start to become expected of you. Thirty-one years young means that every phone call with my mother ends the same way:

"Devlin, have you thought any more about settling down?"

"Yes Ma."

"And? I'm not gonna' live forever you know—and grandchildren! Don't get me started on grandchildren, Devlin. All I want is to be a grandmother, is that too much to ask? My only son—"

"I know, ma. Do we always have to do this? I mean really—"

"—and you won't even consider my feelings, Dev. How do you think I feel, knowing that you're all alone in the world?"

"—it's every time I call, Ma. I get it, you can give up now."

"Give up? When my baby boy is loveless and—let's face it—you're not getting any younger either and before you know it you're gonna' look just like your father—"

"Ma! Alright, love you Mom. I'll call you on Wednesday, okay? Okay. Love you, bye."

"Devli—"

I'm actually pretty impressed that she waited until after I hit thirty to start with grandkid-talk.

So in reality, I'm fucked because I'm not fucked—if you catch my drift. Due to my being—you know, figuratively—fucked I've decided to sit and think about my life. I asked myself some key questions: Where am I going? Who am I going with? Answers: Nowhere. No one. How do I plan to remedy the situation? Answer: LoveConnection.com.

I know what you're thinking—what kind of respectable, debonair, intoxicatingly intellectual, perfect specimen of a man, needs the help of a dating service? That'll be the currently-unemployed (but, hey, freelance writing is still journalism), my-hairline-might-be-receding (just a little bit, I swear), shoebox-apartment-renting (it's not like I need more space at the moment), survives-on-ramen-and-Pepsi (it's the secret to my impressive physique), mostly-perfect specimen of a man.

Maybe that should be my LoveConnection bio.

With a newfound resolve and introspective mindset I went to work on the LoveConnection profile. Filling out all of the little details in the extensive questionnaire proved to be tedious, but not altogether awful.

Hair Color: Light Brown
Eye Color: Hazel
Height: 6 ft. 2 in.
Age: 31

Years is implied, right?

Hobbies:

Hobbies? Hobbies. What counts as a hobby?

Hobbies: Everything

Well I can't be wrong, technically.

Music: The Classics

Movies:

When was the last time I even saw a movie?

Movies: The Classics

I took a moment to lean back in my desk chair, run a hand through my hair, and review my answers. Just in case I ever need verification that I'm actually average, I can give this beauty a perusing.