Please Dont Mind Me

I didn't know! Don't do this! Help me! I'm sorry! SENPAI!

Words never breached the surface as the stone closed in; the rock slide locked me in a ditch not of my own making. I knew I would run out of air, that I would suffocate on my own breath, and that no one was close to hearing my panicked calls as I wasted the air around me. The dust that settled in the dark of the small dome was only kicked up by my feet as I scuffled to sit somewhere, anywhere that I could curl up and shut down. What else was I supposed to do? Dig my way out? Yeah, you try that when you have low stamina, when you fade in and out from anemia and low iron.

This is what I could do to help myself, for sitting was all I could handle without breaking now. The school trip wasn't supposed to be like this; it wasn't supposed to be about playing dangerous pranks or uncovering secrets of people you didn't know.

Yet, that's what was happening now.

I learned about why the most well renowned girl at our school could party all night and pass her tests still, why the jockey boy that sat next to me didn't get hurt or use any money when he attended school dances. They didn't want that, they didn't want anyone knowing what they did in secret with a handful of others.

I felt the air become thicker slowly. How long had it been? Has any one noticed me missing? All that I could think of was that they didn't care where the hell I was or if I was all right. No one did with me there anyways. They always glanced, snickered, trampled, cheated off of, and spurned but what for? What have I ever done besides sit quietly in my corner of the classroom and read? Strange thoughts began coming to me and I meditated on them for I don't know how long. They just appeared, like a guide to whatever was their goal.

~What were you needed for?~

I felt that thought creep into my mind like a tendril of dread that grasped and groped for anyone to hold close and fill with despair. As if it wanted life and needed to be pursued like the happiness I would attempt to grip in the light of the sun, a happy warmth that eluded me every time. This darkness I was stuck in seemed to become familiar the longer I sat and thought.

~They're just abusers aren't they?~

It's what filled my mind before hate suddenly set in. Hate for them, the ones who locked me here in this darkness, for those who never listened or comprehended what I needed, for myself even, for never standing up or shouting my emotions, the necessity for being understood.

~You idiot, don't you know that there is no hope left for you?~

Tears filled me, overflowed onto the purple and green striped long sleeve shirt draped to my sweating body, as anger and frustration accompanied these feelings of mine. It was getting hot, I was getting cold. My stomach was growling at me, slowly eroding the little muscle I had for protein or energy of some sort. Time seemed so fast now with the weakness that consumed my body.

~You pointless nothing.~

My lungs burned, I started becoming dehydrated from crying relentlessly, and what was worse; fear kept my tired heart pumping my life through my veins witch were now noticeably blue. I couldn't see my hand an inch from my face. I finally took in the last bit of oxygen in this closed up space and let out my last efforts. My blood curdling scream was the last of me as I felt my burning back rest on rubble and dirt behind me. And that's what I felt from then; dirt, heat, cold, anger, frustration, fear, sorrow, and hate. So much negative, I am still aware of myself through it.

~Why can't they suffer too? Why isn't it them? Why is it me?~

This questioned made my feelings intensify as the air suffocated me. Did they know how much I hated being picked on by them? Did they know how much it hurt me?

~Why don't I kill them myself?~

For this as my dying thought, I'm not sure I can be considered human any longer. Killing wasn't something that crossed my mind often and when it did, I kept it hidden in the back of my memory. Not this time though, it stood out loud as day now that I couldn't move or fight for life.

Walls crumbled slowly, causing light to finally shine after what felt like ages of darkness, blinding my eyes that had grown accustomed to it. The color of the thing on me was faded and dirty. Or was that me? Why could I see my hollow eyes, the dark black hair that draped in small strings over my face, or wrinkled up dry skin I never had? What was this? That couldn't be me, I was right here, totally fine; breathing, living.

Confused mostly.

The purple, torn walking pants didn't seem to match what was around me anymore. The mountainside had a road, it had residence, it even had a society. So much different from the rocky wilderness I was originally in! Am I dreaming? The corpse, me, whatever that thing was, didn't just scare me. A man with a fluorescent vest pulled it out of the domed rubble and looked to a partner next to him. I raced out from the corner, closely grazing them both and causing loose sands to fall from the side of the hole when I passed. I patiently stood behind them, contemplating this feeling of sudden loss.

Was I dead now? Is this what death was? Hanging around and watching everyone else? Why should I have been doing that when no one cared I was here in the first place? Soon, sirens wailed not far off from the location. Paramedics and police stood around, a crowd gathering at the edge of the caution tape that was set up around the house sculpture. The dried, crinkled body was placed on a gurney and rolled into the back of a vehicle. As if it would break from being moved an inch, the thing was strapped down and furthermore held so as not to shuffle on the blackness of the gurney padding. I sat on the edge of it, staring, drawing lines to match the face I once had.

"Is there identification," a man asked. He had black hair, obsidian eyes with a unique, light amber glow around his iris rims. He was covered in scrubs of a faded green as to cover what must have been sculpted muscle and he had a small scruff from the edge of his face connecting at his chin.

"I haven't found any sir," a woman across from him replied. She was a fair skinned one with blonde hair and bright blue eyes. She had a delicate frame shrouded in a maroon scrub. I reached for the bag that they had pulled out with the body and tried to grab it to take the identification card from it's smaller pocket. My hand went through it- wait, was that mine? I pulled the clawed hand to my face. Black, hard claws stretched from these fingers that were short but thin, my wrist had noticeable scales reach out of it but the rest of my skin had more, flatter bits of them. I clenched my fist, causing my knuckles to grow their hard scales out into sharp points.

I never noticed this change, it wasn't expected.

~This, this is my hate?~

Anger flashed suddenly at my stupidity for not realizing the reason to each and every change. This wasn't my hate. My hate was - it was in my eyes! This hide made of scales was the result of my despair. The claws were my anger, along with the sharp scales at my joints and the razor sharp teeth in my jawline! My sorrow was clad in the black fur that hid the sharp pieces on my back and faded into the v of my hip bones. This physical state - it was their fault. Not my emotions, I can't control those, not when I myself didn't cause them. A tail lashed out from behind me. It was the most curious thing I had ever seen because it opened the bag for me and I could feel it as if it was my own. The card was in my hands and I dropped it. The man with the interesting eyes lifted it slowly and I noted the claw marks I left behind.

He looked up. Staring straight into my own eyes that were just as back as his but with no living shine to them, he held the card out to the woman in an attempt for her to read the accidentally scratched name. "I guess we have a name," he sighed. He never left my stare as he put it on the dead body's chest.

I went to finally speak, after so long sitting in darkness and not having a word escape my lips after my final scream for help my voice was hoarse and gravely, "Finally, I'm seen."