The bell sounds, and I feel my stomach churn as I walk from the building which is separated from the rest of the campus. Flocks of all sorts of diverse friend groups (more like friend cults) already begin to form as I fight my way through those people who walk like they don't have any place to be ever.
I see the emo/scene kids already starting for form, and I have to try hard not to roll my eyes as I silently pray they won't look at me.... Long story.
I dance between lines and mobs of people, gracefully predicting their movements and navigating around them. I'm actually pretty proud of myself for not running into anyone yet-
"Oh god-" I hiss as my foot snags an uneven section of cement. Karma, you can stop being an a-hole now.
To make matters even worse, now I'm playing that game where you "try to guess which way the other person is going so you can go the other way and not be in their path but you both go the same direction and keep blocking each other on accident" with a girl, seemingly a freshman, who has her hair tied up with a purple and gold bow from the cheer team. She's much prettier than I am, which makes me feel worse about getting in her way.
My fingers coil around my backpack strap and my core tightens as we continue to get in each other's way, "Sorry!" I say, my voice is so high because I'm stressed.
The girl looks up for the first time, and I can see she has green eyes and her nose is lightly sprinkled with freckles, "You're fine. It's my bad." And thankfully after that, we manage to go opposite directions and move around each other.
I finally make my way to where Jackson and I had talked last, and I find him exactly where he was last time, looking in my direction. As soon as he catches my eye he smiles at me and waves. His baby-ish faces annoys me on levels I wasn't aware I could be annoyed on.
"Ready?" Jackson asks and I pull my feet close together, minimizing the space between my legs.
"Yes..." I say very very slowly, looking for anyone who might give me a second glance and pull me out of this god awful situation I'm in.
"Alright! Let's go!" I heard Jackson say as he turns his back to me and dances around people, and with a small sigh, I follow suit.
• • •
I storm back into my house, and march straight down the hall to my new room.
"How was coffee?" Iris chimes from the couch as I walk by, driving my heels into the floor to make my walk subtly powerful.
I stop, rolling my eyes slightly. Not even at her, but more at the fact I'm being stopped. Grabbing the wall, I poke my head around it, "Pretty good, actually," I smile, "Probably the best Costa Rican blend I've had in a long time."
"Good! Glad to hear it!" Iris looks away from the TV to smile at me, "Good luck sleeping tonight though."
"Eh. Oh well," I shrug like a don't care and as soon as I'm behind the wall I roll my eyes so hard for a second I fear they might get stuck in the back of my head.
I run into my shared room and quietly press the door behind me. With my whole body shaking, I calmly walked over to my bed, and removed a pillow.
I gently put my whole face on it, and begin to sob.
So the world collapsed right then and there.
• • •
"Dad, I'm going swimming. Bye!"
"Home by 9:30!" He calls back at me as I'm already making the door click from unlocking it. The metal feels cool on my fingers.
I smile brightly at myself, which I should win an Oscar for my performance. Everyone thinks I'm so happy. "Awww there's Addison, look how happy she is here!" Yeah. Right.
I jump out of the car in my gray and white striped tank top, and my light blue jean shorts with American flag pockets, and I immediately regret not bringing a jacket.
I quickly runs across the parking lot, and throw my bag over the metal gate. I quickly hop the fence, and I panic for a second has my pocket gets caught with one leg over.
I shift my weight forward and I'm finally free, as I drop onto the grass with a unpleasant thud.
Of course it's fake grass.
I hate this place.
I slug my bag off the ground within a millisecond of it hitting, and I watch a cockroach sprint away from my heavy footfalls.
The skidding of the metal chair on the pool deck isn't exactly stealthy- but I don't care. Nothing matters. Not the sounds. Not the sights. Nothing but the water.
Suddenly my shirt is off and I'm unzipping my high waisted shorts, and I look down at my black bikini bottom and Cabernet red top.
With a few quick adjustments, and suddenly I'm running at full speed, the emptiness inside me driving me stronger than ever before.
I quickly change paths, and instead of jumping into the pool, I decide that getting some height off the block would be more dangerous, and in result more fun.
I hit the step up to the block with my right leg and push as hard as I can, and my left foot hits the rough white surface.
I feel my right foot now nearing the edge, and with all of my force I jump. I jump into nothing.
And for a moment, just a second- my life was alright again.
I hit the water and glide forward, and I open my eyes to see the still surface. Quickly I exhale all my air, and watch as the surface fall further away.
I feel my back against the bottom of the 12 foot pool, and the surface is still.
For once- I feel alright. I'm at home in the nothingness.
There's no one to look at me here, as I lay motionlessly at the bottom of the pool.
I mentally sigh as I feel my lungs start to pulse for oxygen and I kick off the bottom.
My hand grabs for the surface and I feel panic starting to rise.
What if I don't make it in time? No one is even here to see me at the bottom!
I burst through the surface, my ears exploding with the pain of the sudden pressure change, ragged breaths shake my whole body as I tread the water subconscious.
I flip on my back, and fill my lungs with as much air as they will hold so I can float.
And I've never felt more alive and dead at once.
