How? - Zach and Will

How?

How?

How was I to know it would end like this?

They say your life flashes before your eyes as you pass on.
Like a twenty five year long movie on fast forward, but the best bits slowed to the speed you remember them happening.
Me? I would have remembered when I was a child, running up to my father after not seeing him for five years. I was happy, I felt whole again. I even think I remember my mum laughing in the background.
Then? That one time my deranged friends and I tried filming a horror movie in the outskirts of town, and nearly got run over by a train.

My recovery was curled in a chair, eating an ice-cream. It tasted so sweet, sweeter than any ice-cream I thought I'd ever eaten. I thought I'd never eat ice-cream again.
And maybe then, I'd remember the time I first met the love of my life.
How we first met in primary school, and the way I seemed to be instantly in love with you.
I always noticed the way your eyes would nearly close when you laughed.

But when you're dying, your life doesn't zoom by.
You lie there, just remembering everything that had ever made your heart grow and your mind expand with knowledge and experience. You would be alive, and living in those tiny moments that made you really remember why it's worth to keep breathing.
You don't remember everything in the time you have left.
You won't remember that one walk, in the darkening sunset, when you and your friend talked for hours about the things your parents never taught you.
Or the time you glued googly eyes to your phone and laughed every time your teacher confiscated your phone and swung it around the class, making the pupils fly around.
Or even your first kiss. Because it wasn't nearly as memorable as the way you kissed me on the day of our wedding. You told me you loved me then, and wanted me for the rest of your life. The way you held me tighter than anything you've ever held in your hands.
Our first kiss was nice, but we didn't expect it to grow into what we have now.
What we had.
What we could have had for years to come.

Or maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe life does zoom by your eyes.
When you're shot, run over by a car and bleeding out, and in your last moments your brain shows you absolutely everything it can.
Who can disapprove a dying man's words?
I'm dying slowly, however.
And there's one positive I can take from this.
You.
I can see you, sleeping beside me, your fingers intertwined with mine as I lay on the hospital bed.
You were shaking so hard, and crying. My god, you were even sadder than I was.

You're the only thing that makes me realise I want to stay alive.
I always said I wanted to be the one you come home to, a pair of arms you could collapse when you needed to just break down and cry.
Little did I know, the one thing that would break, to make you fall to your knees and curse the world with words I never knew were in your vocabulary, would be me.

You used to not believe in love.
You'd laugh as you told me how you used to be, young and rebellious. You didn't need anyone by your side but your best friend.
But then he moved away, and you found me years later. Did you feel it like how I did?
I never asked you about that day.
I never told you about that day.
I fell for you almost immediately. You were sunshine, a leader... your existence seemed to piece together a puzzle inside me.
I remember the first time you looked at me ten years ago. Your eyes lit up. You were lonely, and I was curious, and god knows we both needed a friend.

But you became more than a friend, I didn't believe for a moment that someone as graceful as you could be someone I could call mine.
You were my rock. My lover.
The first time I confessed my love to you using those three small words, you smiled.
And my god, my heartbeat never stayed the same after that. You were an energy drink on my lips after every kiss.
I love you.

Now, now, you're crying again. Stop that.
My eyelids are fluttering weakly, the energy draining from me. I need energy. Your energy.
Kiss me, my love. Prolong my stay in this world, my fingers intertwined with yours.
I coo you, trying to calm you down. I'm not afraid of death. Not anymore.

I see the nurse walking in. She's trying to smile for my sake.
She hands me some food, then checks up on my vitals. Sure, I'm alive. For now.
She's an angel, floating around to the other side of the bed to comfort you.
And it's working, bless her soul. You're smiling now, never taking your eyes off me.

I suddenly wish I could jump out of this bed, take your hands in mine, and glide around the hospital floor like we do on the dance floor. Your hand in mine, your other on my waist, while my arm is around your neck. I keep telling you it should be the other way around since you're so tall, but I know you like it. You would lean down to me, whisper something to make my heart skip a beat, then kiss me ever so softly.
Sometimes you forget about the music, and keep kissing me as if any day could be my last.
That day came.

The nurse leaves, floating out with all of her angelic grace. I suddenly want to thank her but my throat is too choked up and dry to speak.

You stand up. I turn to you, and smile weakly.
"I love you." You say simply. But it's not simple, nothing is simple, and you're still holding back tears. You lean down, pull me up and cradle me in your arms as gently as you can without interfering the cords, but hard enough for me to be reassured you would never let me go.
If only you had that choice.

I wrap my arms around you. You're so warm, and it's intoxicating. I try to swallow down any more memories of us. I don't want to cry now.
You pull back, still holding me up, and look into my eyes.
You've always had such beautiful blue eyes, light as the summer sky, as dark as the reef of the ocean, as bright as the sun, and pupils as wide as the full moon in the sky.

"I love you too." I finally say back, meaning every single word, every millisecond full of all the truth and passion I can muster up, finishing with a smile.
You slide your fingers between mine in front of us. Your fingers press against the back of my hand, brushing my knuckles, but I am unable to squeeze your palm the same way.
I wonder if you notice these small things.
You show so much passion in what you do, in what you say, in how you move, in how you... love me.
You're doing all you can, but I know the end is coming. I want to kiss you, but I'm afraid to ask for the energy to do so. Do I want to lesser my time, just to feel you against my lips one last time?

And then, I feel it.
My heartbeat is slowing, and I'm scared for a moment. It makes my heart want to beat faster, but only for so long.
"Will?"
You raise your eyebrows.
"Yes, Zach?"
"Remember me when I go, okay?" I smile. "But don't cry for me. I will see you again soon enough."
Your bottom lip quivers, your eyes fill with tears again. You choke them down and hold my hand.
"Of course I will. Oh my god, I can't forget you."
I try to smile. I feel so warm after your words.
Before I can say anything, I feel myself going limp in your arms. The only thing I can do is try and keep my eyes open to glance upon you as I start to pass away.
You lower me gently, as if you don't want to let go of me.
Don't let go of me then. The last thing I want to feel is you still against me.
Take my last breath away.
Kiss me.
Kiss... Me.
So you do, you know me so well. I taste your love, your regret, your memories and your inhibitions on your lips. The warmth of your hands on my back.

Goodbye, my lover.
Goodbye, my friend.

Goodbye...