Phantasm - Wattys 2017

-5-

What's happening?

I can see grey.

I rustle as I sit up. There's something more substantial about myself, like a skin. My veils feel lighter, translucent.

I am in a large building; airy, wooden ceiling, modern, glass sides. People, everywhere, rushing about. They all look young, maybe they're students.

Yet again, why am I here?

The crowd parts for a second, and I see someone, her dark hair in a ponytail at the nape of her neck. She's older, and she has a smile on her face. But it's her. My girl.

I drift toward her, through the crowd, and they slip through me, like I am gas. Things feel different now, unreal, like I am more solid, less broken.

I gain closer to her. She's sitting at a table, earphones in, oblivious to the hustle around her. She's just leaning over her notebook, copying down notes from a textbook. She glances up now and again, but she glances through me.

I have never been so happy in my existence.

And there's a voice, calling to her, and she doesn't hear it until the person calling to her (bright blond girl, grinning, denim jacket) is sitting right beside her and popping out her earphones, saying hello, hello.

There are a couple of boys, and another girl, coming over now, and sitting down next to them. Laughing, talking. Names thrown around like balls in the air, jokes traded. That smile on her face like she never had before.

I simply stand there. She's so happy. I can feel it radiating off of her, rolling off in waves, illuminating. I might have given her a way out, in the end.

They stand up to go. I watch as she gathers up her notes, putting them in her bag. She starts heading off with her friends. Friends. The word feels foreign in my mind.

They walk off, and I stand still.

I hear the girl in the denim jacket say her name one last time.

Alice.

I am left there, and I am swallowed by the crowd.

I'm so sorry, Alice. I'm so sorry that I made you feel that. I never meant to. I thought it was best for you, for me.

Don't ever listen to me again.

Good luck in school, Alice. Make your friends. Enjoy the sunset. Read until your heart bursts. Paint your soul. Forget about me. Heal yourself like I think you already have. Close the wound I opened the moment you were born. Forgive me, if you can.

Stay strong, Alice. Regain your fire.