Troubled Minds

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I've never been good with emotions.

Or at least, I don't remember being good with them.

I just feel so lonely.

Even if I was in a room full of people.

I'm embarrassed that I feel this way.

I hate the idea of anyone knowing how I feel.

I don't want anyone to see what I really am.

I mess everything up.

I'm never enough.

And if to someone I am, I just get weird. Like emotionally detached.

I know something is wrong with me.

I feel like I'm screaming on the inside.

Recently I thought it was getting alot better, I was starting to actually feel happy.

I know it's dumb, but all I had to do was watch the dolan videos and I felt better.

Maybe it's just a coincidence and I was just "being dramatic" again.

I just started feeling better...

I feel pressured all the time.

I try to stay calm, but I just sit by myself shaking, which I thought was getting better and I would be fine.

It's just it gets triggered by people yelling at me.

And it gets bad again.

I try to pretend that I'm fine, blame it on being related to my mother, but it's hard, even harder to hide.

I don't know how to walk out to face them, I don't want them to see the tears... Everything is wrong with me.

I wish I was pretty

Skinny

Smart

Worth something.

But I know I'm not.

I'm not going to try to fool myself into thinking any differently either.

I hate when other people try to convince me either...

Ive done things I'm not proud of,

In fact I'm not really proud of anything I've ever done.

I'm ashamed to be alive.

I don't deserve life.

I screwed over the only person I ever let in...

I'm the worst possible thing,

Because I try to be a good person, and then makes it seem like I am, and then something bad happens and it just seems off and makes it even worse...

I don't know what to do.

I wish my life would've been given to someone who deserves it, because I know I don't.

I don't deserve to live.

I suppose that's why I'm cursed with this undying sadness that is numbed for awhile and then something happens and the levvy breaks. Life is cruel.

I feel like so much has been taken from me, and I'm trying to raise it up and turn it into something great like all those people with amazing success survival stories, but that'll never be me. I'm not good at being a good person.

I know I'm not the favorite.

I know people only "love" me because they have to.

But, I'm better off alone.

Then I can't make anyone else hurt.

That's where I belong.

The gutter.

Why is everything wrong with me?

I'm just a good for nothing little girl who wants everything I'll never have, or ever be.

Why can't I have worth...?