Some people say (though who 'some' are is beyond me; I suppose those who think they're wise in the ways of the world) to let go of people and things from the past that have hurt us. Yet others say we should express our feelings and not keep them bottled up inside. In some cases, I'd agree. Letting go's not always as easy as it sounds. When you're addicted to someone, you feel a compulsion to be near them, if only to watch from a distance. I've learned why people put up walls.
When you pretend you don't care, it doesn't hurt as much. It's only now, with the distance of years and space, that I can even begin to analyze my feelings properly. A lost friendship and a lost love; both caused by those who thought they knew what was best for us, but were really meddling in things that were none of their business. The two cases were the same, yet so different. With my addiction, my lost love, I tried so hard to forget, but his attraction held me fast, in a snare from which I could never escape, no matter how much I tried. With my lost friend, I pretended not to care about the depth to which he'd betrayed me. I told myself I was glad he was out of my life and I'd never have to see him again. The truth was that we'd shared so much that I wouldn't allow myself to admit how much I missed him. If I allowed myself to think about that, it would make the gaping hole in my heart hurt too much.
Haveyou ever had a secret that was so personal you couldn't share it with anyone,not even with your best friend? I thinkthose must be the kinds of secrets that hurt the most...to have feelings youcan't divulge to anyone, ever, for the rest of your life; feelings that won'tgo away, not matter how hard you try. It's hard to be in love with someone you're not supposed to be in lovewith. It's hard to pine for him, andmiss him, yet try to avoid him at all cost, because it depresses you to bearound him. It's hard to be soundeniably attracted to someone that it's torture to be in the same room withhim, and yet to know that you can never, ever act on those feelings, notwithout destroying your whole life, everything you've worked so hard toachieve....and his also. It's hard to knowthat the person you secretly love hates you. It's hard to be working together, in the same room, with him notspeaking to you, except once in awhile when it's necessary to get a jobdone. It's hard when he hates you, andmostly ignores you, yet he keeps coming over to your side of the room, or whenyou go somewhere to get away for a little while, he comes into the sameroom. It's hard when you go to getcomputer stuff done, and your secret love is there too, and you get soflustered you have to get up and leave the room for a while, and when you comeback, you almost have a panic attack, and have to sit and breathe deeply forseveral moments in order to compose yourself. These are things no one else could possibly ever understand...not unless,by chance, you've gone through the same thing yourself.
