Christmas 2016

Everyday is one day less before christmas. I should be excited and there should be joy everywhere and love in my heart, but i feel like i am getting closer and closer to the edge of a dangerous cliff. I feel powerless, because life is like an hourglass glued to the table: we can't just stop the time or accelerate it to skip what we don't want to go through. I don't want to go through all the tensions between the people around me, because i've been upside down for a while and they know that. I don't want to have to unwrap gifts from this materialistic society, or to have to watch others unwrap the small gifts i got them. I don't feel like throwing on a dress to make the mess i am look like a grownup, independent, beautiful women. Truth is, i am not and i don't believe i'll ever be. I am a child. I am uncertain of my own feelings, i am unpredictable, i am unconscious of my own emotions, i am unconscious of the hurt i cause. The problem is, though my soul is so young, my body isn't and society does not forgive those who's soul is different from their appearance. The gift has to match its wrapping...right? or wrong? i don't even know anymore. I don't want to do christmas because those people who will surround me expect me to be someone i am not, and they'll love me for who they think i am. But, will they love me for who I really am? if, of course i ever find what's the meaning of being my true self? i don't think so. I am a lost wanderer, i am a free spirit, i don't have a path all made up, i like to wander around the forest and out of the paths. I don't fit in their perfect cookie cutter, you see. If i wanted to, i would have to cut a part of me, which might even be my whole self. I don't fit in their independent, organized, strong, normal women box. I'm not even sure if I fit in their marginal box. I am an Alien to this society. I don't think right, or maybe i see things as they really are and most people see things through pink glasses, i couldn't tell. I feel alienated and rejected each time someone call me an adult or a "beautiful grownup women". We all know that's what relatives tells us on christmas day. For all these reasons, because of all my thoughts, because of the person i am, i don't want to do christmas this year.