Him.

Fuck February

I remember that cold February night, when all the girls were all over you. The room smelled like teen spirit, and sex hormones. Now things happened that night and no one talks about them.
Everyone just leaves the memory of it in the air, just like any other party. I would've  to, if it wasn't for you.
The first time I laid eyes on you something clicked.
I thought it was just me being a teenage girl with hormones. But looking back, it was my body saying no.
That night started to end. We went out to take a quick smoke with another girl that you had been "talking" to all night. She left into the dark street with that one flicking light. That just kept flicking. Again and again. Just trying to get more. I'm not the type to believe in the universe sending signs but that night was full of them.
All night we had been staring at each other, and everytime my stomach turned. My legs could barely move, everything was slow and I could taste the smoke as I bit my lip towards the night.
Seconds after being alone, you lifted my chin and kissed me and I'll never forget it.
I'll never forget that taste of you and cigarette smoke. I was never a girl to do hardcore drugs.
But man did you make meth look like candy.
We texted for a month after that night. Nothing special. But man I couldn't get you off my mind.
I'd been able to play hearts like a board game. But you had something over me.

June 6th 2016 4:04pm

I had just gotten out the shower and went to check my phone. It had been months since we talked and I figured that you had forgotten about me. I had started to forget about you.
"Hey, how've you been"
My stomach turned like that night all over again as my fingers lightly traced the rim of my phone. I answered back. Not even 20 mins later i was walking to meet up with you.
I was weirdly excited to see you.
Little did I know
This was the beginning of the end.
Beginning of dramatic lifetime movie.
And the End of my normal life.

Walking around the park with not a care in the world. I couldn't stop smiling.
We laid down on the hill.
Yet again u kissed me and yet again
Meth seemed like candy.

That night we met up. I snuck out. And the whole way to our meeting spot my body shook.
I thought it was the air or the Excitement to be getting out. But looking back I know it was my body trying to tell me no.

Later that night we were in the grass under the stars. My stomach still turning. But I couldn't figure it out because I was okay with you. At least I thought. (Even to this day writing about him.... my stomach does it. )
I let you kiss me, and I let you put your hand through my hair.
I let you look inside parts of me that no other human had managed to see. Including myself.
I can still remember the arrangement of the stars. And how I couldn't take my eyes off of them.
I was always a protected person.
When it came to everything I used caution
That night I broke all my rules and let you do what you wanted. I guess my mental protection was thrown aside along with everything else that night.
Walking home was cold.
I mean it was 3 in the morning in June. You wouldn't expect it to be cold. But man the shivers. Going back to that night though... it wasn't cold. It was actually like 78 degrees out and humid.
A therapist of mine explained this as 'A light you'
She said this and I was so confused.
But what she meant was that I let him see all of me and let him skin me bare. Meaning I had no secrets left.
That's why I felt cold
Nothing was mentally covered
I was bare.

You might've asked yourself how I remember the date like that.
Well I had a test the next morning. 3rd period.
I loved that class.
But I slept through my alarm and missed the test.
That's how I remembered the date
This long story was the beginning of the end for me.
In 2 months time it's gonna be a year from that night.
But now you have your pretty girlfriend that's prettier then me in every way. My friends say she looks like someone from 16 and pregnant. I laugh every time tbh. But I think she's pretty. She's graceful, Pure, has a butt. Something I'll never be. I feel like a dick cause you cheated on her for 7 months with me.
But I know I shouldn't feel that because you were the one in the relationship.

It's 2:33 am April 11th 2017.
As I'm typing this I want to rip myself apart but also give myself a pat on the back for building myself back up after you.
If you read this because you may or may not stalk this account of mine.
Fuck you and thank you
But it's a shitty thing to swear on your little sisters.
Then fuck it up.