Being a teenager in London after the World War Two was a hard life but despite all the bad I know deep within my heart these were the years which made me the person I was destined to become.
London is still recovering though five years have passed since hell ended and many of her beautiful buildings that once stood tall and proud are now giant heaps of rubble. It feels like a whole new world now. I often find myself getting lost on my journeys. I'm just grateful that no one destroyed my precious Upton Park or Mr. Hitler would have to face me in battle. I love my city, she is my life and my whole world but I fear that she will never love me the same for I have a dark secret which makes me unworthy of her.
Today is august 3rd and it's my 17th birthday but today is just like any other with a few small changes. My day starts off with a 6am rising and after some porridge and a quick clean of the kitchen I set out on a long journey to the east London hospital where I visit Dad. I miss Dad at home but I'm grateful he is getting the medical attention he needs after falling ill and attempting to kill himself and as much as I hate to say it his absence makes it feel as if I have no father at all.
Midday comes and I find myself making my way to Craig's Cafe to meet my best friend Kate Teal for a charming birthday lunch. Craig's may not be the best looking place or serve the best food but the cafe is cheap and family friendly. Craig's is the foundation upon which Kate and I built our friendship.
As I approach the front door I notice Kate waiting for me outside looking slightly bored but excited. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her and I have no idea why I'm blaming my tiredness from the lack of sleep I had last night but I really don't know.
"Happy birthday but how dare you leave me waiting Miss Melony Black." Kate says excitedly half signing half annoyed and hugging me as I approach her.
"Thanks so what you hiding?" I ask jokingly as I see her trying to hide what was inside her satchel.
Instead of answering Kate smiles at me and digs through her bag trying to find my present in the abyss. After a long dig she hands me a small box with a golden locket with an engraved heart, smiling I open the locket to find a picture of us. I blush at the thought that she cared so much and hug her whispering my thanks in her ear knowing how much it tickled her.
"So now you're an old maid have you got eyes for any man yet?" Kate jokes as our scones are brought to our booth.
"Yeah but I don't know how to say it." I say turning serious.
"Tell me, tell me, tell me!" Kate begs almost flipping the table.
"It's silly but I really like Robin Grant." I lie not wanting to say my real crush.
Taunting me Kate looks around the cafe to see if Robin was working or had a day off. Luckily he had a day off.
After lunch Kate and I have a bike race home but regret it as we reach the steep hill we live on. Parting by our front gates I watch Kate walk a little faster than me and I find myself looking at her body and her curves and I find my heart racing while my head spins. Running upstairs to my bedroom I try to think about what just happened and cry at the pleasure I got from staring at Kate's body. Am I really they evil?
As time slowly goes on and September hits Britain hard. The wireless told us last night that this could be one of the coldest winters yet. Before now I used to spend every day with Kate we were together almost every waking moment but with school pressure, chores, new friends and life in general things between us are complicated. I miss the good old days when it was just Kate and I, the days where I wasn't afraid about losing my best friend, my sister, my rock and my reason for living. There they are again those damn feelings but I only feel then when I'm with Kate and no one else. Should I feel this way about her? It's surely nothing and our friendship is deepening. I'm still terrified I'm evil.
God help me.
The weeks pass and I surprisingly have my first boyfriend and with the way he makes me feel he may be my one and only. His name is Christopher Elliot Gold and he is about five months older than me. Christopher is the kind of man you will find constantly working on his muscles and I can guarantee the second he comes of age he will sign up for the British army. He always brags about the army and his efforts to join to protect his country but I can tell has trying to impress me even more. Even though the boy I grew up with deep down used to run from a fight with me.
I'm not the only one with recent love though; Kate has found herself a man to call her own. James Barker is almost a decent man, he isn't as attractive as Christopher and he will never be as charming either but without argument James is the kind of guy that would send shivers of repulse down your spine as he walks into a room and his slimy snake like features followed by his dog like personality makes him the most detestable man alive, but if he makes Kate happy then I guess he must have some shred of humanity in him and I am obliged to be happy for them.
Love is a wonderful thing. She knows no bounds, no distance nor does she know time. Love only know her place between a man and a woman, siblings, parents and children, she even manages to have a place between friends. Yet in her majestic wonder she has me confused. As children we are taught all about love in church and what we are supposed to feel but I have those feelings when I'm with Kate. Maybe we were taught wrong or maybe I'm some evil harlot wonder if I'm in love with Christopher or not but I have no idea how it feels to fall or to be in love. Maybe I'll never know or maybe my soul mate us hiding somewhere in the shadows waiting for me to find him. Only time will tell.
It's now October and Christopher and I have grown a little closer but I think I'm in love with him because every time I see him my stomach does a back flip and my head spins at an uncontrollable speed. Christppher could be The One I think but maybe not. when I was younger I always told myself that when I met my soul mate my heart would sing 'without you I can't be me' but I haven't heard my heart say anything in the past few months. Today is Thursday and today's the day I get to see Kate for more than the usual three hours. I'm excited but nervous to see her as we have rarely spoken in the past few weeks but I'm praying that today will change all that. I can't lose Kate I just don't know how to cope without her as a pillar for me to lean on when I'm down. like the usual Thursday we arranged to meet at Craig's and spend time having afternoon tea as if we were high ranking women and not two girls from east London.
I arrived at Craig's earlier than expected because in the heat of my excitement I cycled as fast as my legs could carry me. I don't know why I'm so nervous but I know one thing for sure I'm starving. I pace back and forth waiting on her to arrive and I wonder about the reason for my new-found nerves then I see her and all I can hear is Kate's name repeatedly with the words "Without you I can't be me" echoing softly.
