We Can Only Pretend for so Long

It's Permanent

"Kyle, are you okay?"

"Yeah Bri, I'm fine." Turning, I cocked my head in wonder. "Do we have a tattoo remover in town?"

"Are you sure you want to do this Kyle? I know you sincerely hate him and all, but to go as far as getting the tattoo removed?"

"Well why would I have the tattoo if I can't even stand his name Bri? This is why I don't drink. You give me stupid ideas, and I'm the only one that has to pay for it."

"Alright, Kyle Wilson?"

"That's me!"

Eagerly I followed the nurse to the room. "Alright, let's see what we have here." Or, doctor.

Lifting my shirt I saw my best friend and doctor gaze at my stomach.

"I forgot how much it looks like a gang tattoo." Bri tried to hide her laughter.

"So who's Jacob and what did he do to make you want to remove this tattoo?"

"Uh, what?"

"Who's Jacob?"

"You can read kanji!? But, you're white!"

"Oh my god!" Frantically she searched her skin. "All this time I thought I was Japanese!"

Bri snorted.

"Sorry, I've just never met anyone who could actually read kanji before. So, how much is this gonna cost?"

"I'm just, going to write it down."

Oh no. That's never a good sign.

................Holy shit!

"Kyle! Watch your mouth!" Quickly I flashed her the cost. "Oh fuck!"

"Usually people are quieter when they read it. So I take it you're going to have to pass?"

"Unfortunately, I do not have that much money."

"Why not ask this Jacob fellow to help you?"

"He would never give me money. Sorry for wasting your time."

"Wait! Before you leave, may I ask what he did?"

Turning from the doorway I formed my hands into a heart before cracking it in two.

____________

"Hey guys, have fun on your girl's day?"

"Oh yeah! Tons!"

"Why do I catch a hint of sarcasm?"

"Something she wanted cost her a LOT more than planned. Don't be mad at her for being snippy."

Ryan glanced my way, perplexed. "What did you want?"

"I can't tell you. It's just a 'me and Bri' thing."

His eyes lit up at the statement.

Shit.

"Bri, what was it that Kyle wanted?" Sweetly he encircled his arms around her waist.

"Brianna Rose Hansen, don't you dare tell him."

"Honey-"

"It was-"

"I will never talk to you again!"

The room seemed to jump at the sudden seriousness.

"I swear to god, I will never speak to you again if you tell him about this. This is our one and only sacred secret. You can't break it."

"I'm sorry, I won't. I promise."

"Kyle, are you pregnant? So help me, if you're pregnant I will kill that bastard."

"Nonononono. Don't misunderstand the situation. It's nothing of the sort."

"Well than what the hell is it?"

"Nothing important Ry, I swear. I'll tell you someday, just, not now."

"Fine."

_______________

And he wonders where I get my attitude.

He's been acting like a child because I won't tell him what I need money for.

If I wanted you to know I would tell you! Be a man!

"Well thank you Miss secret tattoo. Ryan is officially pissed off at me because I won't tell him what our secret is."

"Bri, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for you guys to get into a fight.

I'm the one that got you two together."

"Sabotage. You're jealous that I still have a boyfriend and you don't."

My mouth dropped open at the insinuation. "Do you honestly believe that? I'm thrilled for you guys and you think I'm jealous because I won't tell my brother about a tattoo I regret getting and something he'll be disappointed in me for?

Okay. Fine.

Ryan!

Stop being a bitch! I'll tell you what I need money for!"

"Did you really just call me a bitch? Gro-"

His words caught in his throat as I showed him my tattoo.

"Happy?"

"You got a fucking tattoo? Are you kidding me Kyle? It's permanent, it doesn't go away.

Just another great choice you've made."

"Sorry I'm such a disappointment. I'll leave your holy presences now. Have a great fucking day."

No footsteps followed me, no voices echoed in the silence, no breath was shaken as I exited the house.

If I were brave enough, I would go jump off a bridge.

Maybe for a thrill, to have the feeling of life suddenly being ripped away.

To have my mind go through each and every scenario I've ever been through in this disappointing life.

To finally realize how perfect life is and can be.

To grow up.

To become smart with how I choose to live my life.

My feet lead me further and further from my house as the list of possibilities of death could bring for myself and others.

And the possibility of changing.

In a matter of ten minutes I found myself standing on the ledge of a bridge.

"Alright, just a simple lean forward."

Slowly I closed my eyes, took in a deep breath, and began to lean forward.

"Kyle no!"

My eyes flew open as Jacob grabbed my waist, suddenly falling over the edge with me.