sunday afternoon with the boys

all my heart; akashi seijuro

[Akashi Seijuro] 

All My Heart

“You still have all of my heart.” – Sleeping with Sirens

Nothing’s over. I wish you’d listen to me say it: Nothing’s over. Why can’t you see that?

Are you afraid? Sometimes I think you are. Sometimes I think you feel the same way—your smile, your laugh, the way you would say I love you in the wrong sense, and the way you would hold my hand; just the gentle insinuations that tell me that, yes, you like me, too.

You like me, too, right? Do you? I hope so.

When you said you didn’t want to be my friend, it had scared me. There would be no more us No more you. No more me with you. If I couldn’t have you, then I might as well be your friend—at least then, I could still be a part of your life.

But you threw me away.

I refuse to believe you love him. Because you don’t. You don’t know the first thing about love. And perhaps neither do I. But I’d rather have you and me than you and he. At least then I could hold you. I could say I love you in the wrong sense. I could hold your hand.

I could convince you. That I really do love you and not just the stupid like-like shit.

Sometimes I honestly don’t know how to keep these emotions at bay. I know you can’t show me. But I need you. And you need me. We’ll need each other to tame these wild, erratic feelings. And you’ll show me and I’ll show you. It’ll be like old times: You and I against the world. Against love.

I don’t care now. I haven’t cared about anything since I met you—since I felt these orthodoxy feelings, the paradoxical life you and I used to share. Now it’s just me, sitting on the throne without you.

You promised.

You promised you’d never leave me behind. And I did, too. I’d be the captain and you’d be the coach. You’d pass me that towel and I’d thank you with that exclusive smile I’ve reserved only for you. You promised things would never change. Between us. You promised there’d be no gaps, no in-betweens.

Look at us now.

Nothing’s over. Nothing lasts forever. And if the case were so, we’d be nothing.

I still love you. Maybe not the way you’d see it. But I really do. I love you too much to ever stop.

And even if you don’t have your eyes set on me, I’m still going to love you. From afar, maybe.

I’m not going to say goodbye. Because nothing’s over. And we’re nothing—nothing lasts forever, nothing’s over. We’re forever and we’re over.