Loss and Love (One Shot)

Loss and Love

My eyelids flew open as I tried desperately to escape from the horrid image that had been on constant replay in my mind. Glancing at the alarm clock on my bedside table the bright green numbers taunted me as they read 6:48 a.m. It had been three weeks, four days, nine hours, and twenty-seven minutes since my life had been completely and devastatingly turned upside down. The image of her dead, blood-soaked body was all I could see when I closed my eyes now, hell it was all I could see even when my eyes were open.

Before my mind had enough time to wander any farther into the nightmare I was living I crawled out of my bed, tossing the covers aside haphazardly. Pulling on my jeans from the night before I exiting my room heading down the hallway to the library of the bunker. Snatching a bottle of whiskey from where it sat on the shelf I poured a glass before settling down into the chair, keeping the bottle within reaching distance for my inevitable next glass.

This had become my routine since that night. Drink all day, kill something evil when the chance arose, pass out for a few shitty hours of horror filled sleep, wake up and go through it all again. I hadn't veered from this pattern since that night, the only time I ate was when Dean practically shoved it down my throat. My life had become a skipping record that repeated the same events over and over again in a steady, unwavering loop. Downing my first glass of the day I poured myself a second, knowing full and well it was simply a lackluster effort to stop the downward spiral my mind would take in the brief moments of sobriety I had these days.

The thudding of boots on the hard floors pulled me from where my thoughts had drifted to her once again. They came closer until both sets stopped abruptly. Before even casting my eyes to the entrance way I knew what I would find, but I did so anyway only to confirm my suspicions. Both Winchesters stood with their gazes fixed on me, but they exuded completely different emotions as I studied them.

Deans' face was full of understanding and concern; he had been in my shoes far too many times to count so he knew exactly what I was trying to accomplish. The night that she died he had been the one who fought and physically restrained me when I tried to find Crowley to make a deal to bring her back, Dean was my rock. Sam, on the other hand, looked at me with guilt, pity, and disappointment. Moving my eyes back to the handsome older brother I directed my words to him, I had refused to speak to Sam since it happened unless it was absolutely necessary.

"Do we have a case?" My voice was hardly the same carefree tone it once was, but then again I wasn't the same as I was before.

Before Dean had a chance to reply Sam spoke up his voice was hard, but at the same time cautious. "It's 8 in the morning Y/N, don't you believe it's a little early to be drinking."

This again was nothing new, Sam tried every day to slow my drinking but I wasn't having it. Dean didn't try to persuade me to stop, as I said he himself had been down this road before and he was still trying to drown out his demons, just not to the extent I was. He would simply take care of me, and when I decided I had, had enough he would make sure I was in bed always leaving a bottle of water in case I decided to drink something that wasn't slowly killing me.

Scoffing I took another sip of the Amber liquid, no longer feeling the burn it had once caused when I would drink, my body was far too accustomed to it now. "As an adult well over the legal age, I think I can decide when it's too early for me to have a drink."

"You need to stop this. This isn't who you are, this isn't how she would want you to live." His words were doing nothing except causing the anger I felt towards him to rise to new levels.

A humorless chuckle slipped past my lips as I looked at him. "You know Sam, there was a time when I would have listened to anything you had to say, fully believing in it and putting my trust in you. But I think we can both agree that those days of me trusting you are long gone."