After Care

Part one//Side one

     It goes by so fast. This whole life thing, goes by so fast. One minute you're here the next minute you're there. One minutes you've got the world tied down and everything's settled, nobody can touch you cause you've got it all figured out; then the next second; the very next second nothing's the fucking same anymore. And suddenly you're the one being crushed with this massive load of shit you thought you could of handled.

And you know what's worse? Worse then wanting to nail yourself in the fucking head?

Knowing you're the reason. Knowing you're the reason the girl you love is gone, knowing you could've stopped this if you would've just untwisted your balls and grown a pair or better yet; if you had just fucking let her go.

But you didn't untwist your balls, because you're a bitch. And bitches hold grudges and everything has to go your fucking way. And you didn't let her go because you're selfish. And you wanted it all. You wanted it all. You wanted the storm. But she got caught in the hurricane.

And now it's on you. It's all on you. Me. It's all on me.

I'll admit I fucked up. I'll admit I really fucking fucked up. And no I don't mean the whole "got caught cheating on a high school exam" type of fucked up.

You're probably confused right now aren't you? What could I have possibly done? What the hell am I on? Well bud I'll let you know the answers when I see fit, how's that?
//
Everyone had me figured out. Or so they thought. But it was you who unwinded me. Who made me feel the way I never wanted to feel. Made me sound the way I never wanted to sound.

And from the minute I met you I wanted to run. But I didn't. But oh God, I should have. But I'm not a runner. And I'm not afraid of fire. And I'm not afraid of thunder. 

"Hey." That's how most conversations start don't they? So why was it that your response took my breath away.

"Hey." Her voice smaller, quite. But that wasn't all. The way her eyes fluttered up from her table to look at me before looking back at her paper the way the pen in her hand tapped against the desk as she spoke.

I had a bad habit. Well not a bad habit. I was blessed with multiple bad habits. Clenching my jaw was one of them. My brothers say it makes you look tougher, and with a family full of fighters looking inferior means more then one might think.

Her eyes fled back to her paper as looking me straight in the face was a hell storm on its own. And then she blinked, clenching her own jaw this time and in those two seconds she completely shifted into a whole different person with a whole different skin. She looked back up at me cocking her head to the side, staring me down like she had me all figured out.

"You just gonna stand there and watch me?" There was no more small voice in her tone. Only sparks from a flare and I was stuck wondering what sort bipolar bitch she was trying to be.

"Maybe I will." I shrugged back, I've never lost my cool a day in my life, but there in that moment I felt my heart ticking. 

"Fucking creep" She swore with that pretty mouth of hers. But that wasn't  it, there was that shake in her head and the way her eyes fell back to her sheet. The rest of the period consisted of me repeating the small engagement in my head and a million other ways it could have gone.

The period ended too quick, she left the room before anyone else, no trace of her anywhere almost like she was never there.

I didn't see you till lunch after that. There was already word going about. New girl with the dark hair and the 'try me' attitude. But they didn't know you, I didn't know you. I wanted to engage. I wanted to ignite a flame between us. I wanted this. I wanted something. I wanted anything.

So I didn't sit with my friends during lunch that day. Or the day after. I sat across from you.

"That seats taken."Your immediate response. You didn't even look up to see me. You didn't even know it was me.

"Yeah, by me."I flatline. That got you to look. Got you to see me, with those dark eyes of yours. The ones that pierce right through me and make me feel like I got caught dancing in my birthday suit.

"You again."You sounded displeased with a perfectly leveled toned, but that smirk weighing on your lips told me otherwise, almost like you knew I'd drop my bag down on that seat and sit across from you.

"Nolan." I spit out.

"Nolan?"Your eyebrows raised like I'd given you a wrong answer.

"My names Nolan."I construct."What might yours be?" I ask thinking it would be simple.

"It might be Sarah."You smile, sitting back in your seat like you had a plan scheming in the back of your head. "But it might be Jane, maybe it might even be Leslie." Your eyes lit up at the responses you were spitting out.

"How bout a straight answer, babe" I sit back in my seat, mimicking your action, I let my legs stretch between the tables, briefly looking past you to my own group of friends who were all engaged in acts of their own.

"One: you don't get to call me babe." You started the smile in your face gone. "And two: my momma taught me not to give out my name to strangers." That snarky response of yours let you feel clever for a second. The look in your eyes, the smile dancing on your lips gave it all away. A silence settled between us after, with me just sitting there watching you intently, I knew you thought I was a freak, but forgive me for biting my tongue.

"I'm gonna find out anyway."I grimace, "so why don't you just save me the trouble, sweetie." Your eyes rolled back like you were done with my shit but I'd been here for only five minutes. 

"I'm leaving." The chair slid and you stood up, your tray in one hand and your bag in the other.

"Leaving me so soon?"I ask and all you did was stare. No more words were shared between us then. And maybe we knew. Maybe we both knew this would be trouble. But we dived in anyway.

Your ass looked fine in those light blue jeans. There was elegance in you throwing the cardboard tray away before you walked out like it was no ones business.

And maybe I was a freak.