Everything i didn't say

polar bear

So I don't know what to do right now. I'm just putting my thoughts out here. I don't know how this is going to turn out, but this is for me. Like it or comment I don't care, just don't ask invasive questions. I need to write this right now. This is for me Andi friend I may never see again. This is everything I didn't say that I should have.

When I first actually met you, I was a shy little girl who hated rollarskating. The only reason I came was because of our 'friend'. The one that stabbed us in the back and took you away from the rest of us. I didn't know what to think of you then, and I had no idea you'd be so important to me. I wish I had talked to you more.

The next time I saw you was at school. We were friendly enough, you would comment on my shirt or say something to cheer me up a bit if I was looking down, but we didn't really talk until the pep rally. That day changed everything.

That was when I first met the girls. You loved them both, that I could tell from the moment I saw all of you together. You all were so close, I thought I would never be a part of that group. But then I was. I got to see the little world you had made. And you let me into it. I became part of the world that was just for the four of us. I was your little sister, and I was so good with that. I didn't want to be your girlfriend. I wanted to be your friend. And for the first time in forever, I felt like someone cared about my life. And it felt so good.

I told you things I thought I wouldn't tell anyone. You encouraged me to do what I thought I couldn't. I became the bubbly girl who wanted to see her friends everyday. I was the Pikachu, and you were polar bear.

You made me love my laugh. I used to hate my giggle snort because it was unusual and I honestly thought it was annoying. But you would always go out of your way to make sure I laughed every day until I giggle snorted that after a while, I didn't hate it anymore.

You kept me from relapsing. There were so many days where I wanted to do it, to grab a blade and make it all go away. But I didn't. Because I saw how much it hurt you. The one time I did, I saw how much it killed you to see me like that. Every time I go to pick up a blade, I see your face and I can feel the hug you gave me after I showed you the first time, and I drop it. I still haven't cut. I hope if you see this you're proud of that.

I loved texting you. After I got my phone, I was so happy because now I could bug you outside of school and you would make me feel better. I looked to you when I was upset. You came to me for advice, and sometimes I had some to give you. Sometimes I didn't. You still talked to me either way. I miss those phone calls. I miss them a lot.

You saw a side of me I showed few people. I let you see my damaged side, the side that wasn't pretty or happy. And you loved it anyway. You helped me feel better sometimes, ad other times you cried with me. I vented to you. I trusted you with things I bearly trusted myself with. And you told no one.

You never told me my dreams are too far out of reach. You cheered me on when I was proud of something. You were writing chords to my song, and you were the only one not to say the new York was 'a tall order'. You always made sure I believed in myself, and I did.

You always made sure I felt included. Whenever I was feeling alone, something you knew I hated more than anything, you'd bring me back to the group. If I would sit by myself, you'd always make sure I was okay. And sometimes I wasn't. You'd always try to fix it.

You have the most amazing voice. I never told you that. I loved hearing you sing during choir. And the one time we did that duet was fantastic. You didn't tease me for missing a high note. I know you noticed, but you never brought it up. I always think of you when I listen to that song. I always will now. Sometimes I smile and sing along. Sometimes I break down.

You were like the older brother I never had. I called you big brother in my head all the time. I almost slipped a couple times but I never told you. I wish I had. I used to imagine you calling me sis or little sister. It would always cheer me up.

We had everything planned out. You would marry your girlfriend, and the day she turned eighteen you two would move to South Carolina and live in a huge house. I would be at college in NYC and come visit when I could, or just go to college in South Carolina and live with you guys. It was the perfect plan. We thought it was foolproof. We never expected this.

You told me things that I didn't need to know. I knew about hat was going on with you and your girlfriend I knew what was going on with your family life I was the first to know about your medical problem I knew more then I told you. I wish I had told you more. Now I might not get to.

I blame myself for what happened. I should have just stood up to her, stopped the rumors before they went to the extreme. But I didn't. I didn't stop them. I feel so so bad about it now. You probably feel worse.

I wrote a story about you. I used Gypsy, a character that has no meaning to you, but all the meaning in the world to me. You were her brother, and you stole for her so she would eat. You sang in the streets when she couldn't. You kept her safe. You were her hero. You are my hero.

I hated that you smoked weed and cigarettes. I just did. I hated the smell, I hated that you went through packs like they were candy. I hated that it felt like you depended on it. I was so worried you would land in a hospital bed because of it. I still worry about that.

I keep talking like you're dead. I know you're not, but it sure damn feels like it. My parents might never let me see you again. That kills me. I've cried for hours over this. I miss you. I never even got to say goodbye. I keep thinking that one day I'll turn a corner and you'll be there and I'll run and hug you and everything will be okay. That we'll have more time. We might not now. That I'll regret for the rest of my life.