April 14th, 1:30 P.M.
For some, the day you die is only the end and birth is the beginning. To me, death is the beginning. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathing was quickly becoming harder to do every second. Babies do it from the minute their born, so, why can't I? After seventeen years, I should be able to breath. It's just a matter of inhaling air right? Wrong. Breathing keeps us from death. The air feels thick as if it does not want to be inhaled. It no longer matters, life is not worth living. Everything around me feels so unbearable to the point where nothing feels quite real. I have been depressed for a while. About nine years to be exact. I have tried to get help, but nobody will listen. I am screaming but nobody can hear me. I have been searching for a reason to stay alive and the only thing keeping me alive at the moment is writing. I feel the need to explain why I feel this way. The truth might shock a few people. It is difficult to explain exactly how I feel. I guess you could I feel so much that now I feel nothing. I have given a lot of thought about ending my life. How it will affect others and the guilt they will have. I hope I get help before then. I don't want someone upset over me. I am trying not to be weak but I have a lot of problems that make me sick. I am already dead inside. Life itself has become a poison.
12:47
I don't usually cry. I think it shows how weak you are. Even though you are, you don't want to look like it. When I do cry though, it's at midnight. A few minutes ago, I was taking a bath. Just a simple bath until I got an ultimate urge to end my life. I laid underwater in the tub and thought: I am already drowning. I then came up but not to breathe. I allowed the water to say above my nose until it stung. It felt good to not breathe but I eventually came up. It scares me, not because I couldn't breathe but because I liked not being able to breathe. It is kind of like cutting or burning yourself. It feels great. I cannot sleep at night and I get too deep into my thoughts. This is a problem. I hope you all forgive me for being so selfish. The sadness will indeed last forever.
April 15th , 8:32 A.M.
So, I am still alive but I feel it is pointless. I hate what I have become. Maybe I should have started this journal cliché. Something like: Hey, I am Dawn Grace. I have strawberry blonde hair. I want to die. I have green eyes. Oh yeah, I am also a high school senior. I find too much humor in that. It is the weekend. I cannot define if that is a good or bad thing anymore. School is my get away from home and home is my get away from school. '' Mom''. I laugh because she is not my mother nor will she ever be worthy enough to call my mom. ''Mom'' is an alcoholic. ''Dad'' is abusive. Together they are foster parents. My real mother? She sadly died of cancer when I was thirteen. My real father? Died of a heart attack, but he wasn't in my life anyway. Foster parents don't care, somebody just has to take you when you do not have any family. That's why I am about to leave the house and go to Leo's house. Leo is my drug dealer. This is the only way I will not feel bad today.
April 16th , 3:10 P.M.
I was in such a hurry yesterday, I forgot to tell you more about Leo. I have known Leo since I was fifteen. I was drugged one night. In his car, he started to kiss me and then held me. I could feel him inside me. I knew I had to stay calm. That was the day I lost ''my innocence''. My foster parents know but don't care or don't believe me. I was called a dope whore in school. Memories still strike me. I only come for the
drugs now though when money is low I do what is needed to fulfill my addiction. I figured if I am going to be called a dope whore, I might as well be one. I ended up becoming pregnant. Twice. The first time, I got an abortion. It still haunts me today. The second time, I assumed a child would save me. It was kind of like adoption. Except, the child was taken away from me because I got arrested for shop lifting in order to have diapers. Joy. No actually, her name was Joyce. After being locked up, I realized I couldn't take care of a child. I signed the paperwork for an older couple who couldn't have children to adopt Joyce. They changed her name and made Joyce her middle name. I am not allowed to know information about her but they told me that.
April 17th
School is today. Not much to say about that. If you could see how the people behave toward me here. Everyone including teachers, except Alec. Alec is the only one who doesn't judge me. Alec is my crush. Point blank. Period. He is one of the joys I have in life to look forward to. Alec is too blind to see how I actually feel because he is so ''in love '' with Samantha. Only because she is so drop dead gorgeous. I do admit. If he would open his eyes, he would see that I am right in front of him. Literally. Alec day dreams, another reason he doesn't hear me. Samantha and Lindsey have been bullying me since middle school. I was spat at, got my hair pulled out, kicked, slapped and punched by them. I was called nasty names too and because of the bullying I started to self- harm - cutting and burning. I was bullied for being pretty, having a lot of guys after me, and for getting good grades. I tried to become 'ugly' by not caring about my appearance. I wore the cheapest and some torn up clothing. It worked. I purposely started getting bad grades as well. That wasn't enough for Lindsey. She stole all my friends. I was alone and I began to starve myself. Rumors were spread. Alec was the only one who wanted to be my friend.
April 18th
I ran away this day last year. I tried to overdose but was found by a man. I woke up in the hospital. Speaking of suicide attempts, I tried to overdose twice, shoot myself in the head, and hang myself. Why? I just want the pain to end. When you attempt to kill your-self and don't succeed maybe you have a purpose.
I decided to summarize why I feel the ways I do. Life. 1) My real mother dying of cancer 2.) abandonment and death of my father 3.) alcoholic foster mom 4.) abusive foster dad whom beats me 5.) Leo 6.) abortion 7.) adoption 8.) Alec 9.) Samantha 10.) Lindsey 11.) failing school 12.) no friends
Along with the facts that go with these such as nobody believing me and etc. I am sorry. I cannot do this anymore. I am too weak. I am giving up. Writing this has kept me alive for five more days. You are officially five days too late. This pen feels heavy in my hand, and my head is pounding. Am I feeling fear? What could I possibly be scared of? I've already lost everything including myself. There is nothing for me in this world, but still these thoughts are looming. Who will find this journal? What will they think? Will they cry or will they simply call me a coward and forget. The fabric of this couch no longer provides comfort, but an annoying itch. Everyone I love has left. Everyone has left me including my shadow! This will be the last time I try. I will succeed this time. You still have a few seconds to save me but nobody will. I am not less than five stories and not higher than twenty stories tall. Right now, I am standing on the edge of the rooftop, deciding which way I will fall. I am standing on the edge of my life ready to fall.
