Slut Monologues

chapter 2

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             Rumors fly and oftentimes they are riding a jet plane. It moves fast and leaves trail. And people follow that trail until their neck hurts.

Fourth Grade, the famous rumors were mostly about crushes. We were just little then but they couldn't stop gushing about who admires whom.

I was not interested with anyone. Somehow, Tito Bryce stained the image of men in my mind. I focused on learning and my friends instead of pointless infatuations.

When I was obsessed in reading, my friends were obsessed with boys.

Boys inside our classroom, boys in higher grades, boys in their respective neighborhoods, they talk about boys anytime and anywhere. And boys, some of them were attracted to me. So that made them talk about boys and me.

"If I were you, I'd flirt back with Gian," Pauline squealed, "he's just a sweetheart!"

"Yeah! Didn't he give you another love letter?" Rein asked. She was smiling at me widely, trying to tease me.

We were in Gecca's house, spending the Saturday night together. Pauline and Rein needed to lie to their parents that we were working on some school project just so they could leave. Mine didn't need persuasion, my mother was not strict. She lets me do whatever I want. My father, well, I seldom see him at home.

I nodded in response to Rein's question. "I didn't read it all. It was obvious he didn't write it himself. He got it from somewhere. Probably the internet," I deadpanned.

Gian Montero was not close to a sweetheart like Pauline believes. He was just like any other guy who has the looks: playful and proud.

He had a loud voice whenever he speaks. And every sentence that will come out of his mouth required to end with a cuss. One time I heard him talk with his friends, they were talking about the love scene of Miaka and Tamahome from Fushigi Yuugi. They were talking about it with much fun, frequently punching one another in the arms.

Since then, I noticed the sexual innuendos in everything he'd say. I couldn't stop it. My ears automatically heightened at the sound of his voice. It was like I was a detective and he was the number one suspect to the murder of ethics.

To be clear, he didn't pay attention to me until after he took a peek through the sleeve of my uniform.

I was distributing the test papers, moving swiftly, handing over my classmates' papers without looking up. I only slowed down when he didn't take his paper from my hand instantly. I was forced to glance up, only to catch him just staring at my hand. Having no patience, I waved his paper right in his face. It made him come back to his senses. He slowly took the paper from me, grinning.

Few seconds later I realized what that grin meant. He wasn't staring in my hand, he was looking through my sleeve. My arms were thin and when I handed over his test paper, he got a perfect view of my armpit. Also my growing breast.

Only by then, he started to have a crush on me. At least that's what he was saying to everyone. But I know better.

"You're such a heart breaker," Pauline accused of me.

I laughed. Rein shook her head while looking weirdly to my face.

I wasn't breaking anyone's heart, especially not Gian's.

"Jess, he made an effort to write that letter. Won't you consider that?" Gecca asked, disappointment laced in her voice.

I smiled weakly to her. "No. Because I want him to stop."

"But you can't stop your feelings!" cried Rein.

"He doesn't like me, Rein. He's just playing."

I wished I could share to them the real image of Gian Montero but they were the kind of friends who were meant to just accompany me in school. Out of us four, I was the most distant. I treat them as my friends but I still keep my private thoughts to myself.

But I didn't know I'd carry this attitude throughout my life. Maybe if I had not locked up my thoughts to myself I wouldn't be sad at most nights. I wouldn't have fought a fight when I didn't have any idea of the possible consequences.

Regret has a mouth and it eats you up wholly. It's like a python, it can adjust to your size and break your bones until you're hopeless and broken.

I hate my past. But most of all, I hate me. To the core.

Some might think it was impossible to not like anyone from our class. More than half of our section's boys were good-looking. Ate Karen said this to me, that I was lying to myself whenever I denied liking someone.

She was my go-to friend when I needed to get away from my usual company (Gecca and the others). Ate Karen can be pretty persuasive. She expects you to answer her questions like the way she thinks you would, and when you don't, she'd force you to say otherwise.

She wanted for me to drop a name. If I didn't, our conversation wouldn't stop. And so I said:

"I like Marcus' face."

She smiled cheekily and started teasing me to Marcus. It was a bad idea to drop a name. The moment we got back to the classroom, Ate Karen informed everyone that I liked Marcus. I almost died that moment because of humiliation.

I could still remember the boys patting the back of Marcus as they hollered. Marcus' reddened face and his right hand on his nape. He smiled apologetically to me, which made me smile as well because why would he feel sorry?

Us smiling to each other like lovesick fools made our classmates even crazier. They shouted louder.

I remembered there was only one face that looks too sullen at that moment. Like he was pissed off. He was seated behind Marcus, glaring at me like I did something to make him angry.

His name was Arthur Redd Klein.