Leaving, Loving

Accepting Goodbye

I watched him from my window, the streetlight casting shadows across his face that was already hidden by his hood that acted as a barrier between him and the rain. No less than an hour ago had I watched him walking towards my front door, his favorite guitar in tow and a sullen look on his face. What could be wrong? I asked myself, it was such a beautiful day, today was the first day of our first summer as real adults. No summer reading or saving paychecks for back-to-school shopping. 

A knock on the front door and a pleasant hello exchanged with my mother followed by footsteps up the creaky stairs that led to my room prepared me for a soft tapping on my bedroom door, at least I thought it had. I brushed through my hair with my fingers quickly before I turned the old, shaky knob that revealed at that time was what I thought was my whole world, but also the brief explanation that would soon cause it to crumble around me. 

"I got it," he smiled, his hands entangled with my own. 

We had spent that last four years together joking, working, and dreaming for that sentence and after spending every minute not just supporting his dream but also encouraging it, I was taken back by the instant feeling of regret and what I thought was agony. His big break had come, he would be going on tour with one of his favorite bands as their opening act for their first international tour. It didn't even sound real, so it couldn't be. 

I had been rendered speechless for far too long, and the enthusiasm had fled his eyes faster than the sigh had escaped my lips. His grip loosened around my hands, but still held on tight enough to lead me to the edge of my bed where he now sat. I was able to avoid sitting down next to him by resting my forehead against his. 

"This is everything you've ever wanted," I forced a smile. "Everything we've ever wanted..." Letting a breath go, my eyes looked back to his. It was the first time I noticed something in his eyes wasn't quite right either. 

"It is," he said nodding his head. "Right?" The warmth of his body engulfed the right half of mine as he pulled me next to him. 

It took everything in me not to tell him no, it wasn't anymore. At least not the part where he would leave for who knows how long. In the end though, it was always just a high school romance and it was never meant to go further than that. He was my first love, my first everything and even though it didn't feel like it at that time, he wouldn't be my last. A small part of me knew even then that that was true, but it didn't change how I felt in the slightest. 

But I pushed through it, "of course it is." I felt my smile waver, but managed to keep it in place. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I dotted his face with kisses from his furrowed brow all the way down to his pouted lips.