Behind My Smile

I don't think you realize exactly what you did to me.

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People have come. People have gone. But you were always there. You were by my side, lifting me up every time I fell down. Telling me that I could do it. Encouraging me every step of the way. Never leaving me behind. We were partners, facing the hardships of life together. We were best friends.

You once told me that I was your rock. That you could always count on me. And you could. I supported you in everything you did. I never let you down. I was by your side, lifting you up every time you fell down. Telling you that you could do it. Encouraging you every step of the way. Never leaving you behind. We were comrades, we were teammates. We had made promises.

You promised me we would always be together. I promised you we would never grow apart. A pact, to be the greatest of friends, for the rest of our lives. We were laughing that day. I remember. We both loved having fun, and in that moment, I had the most fun I'd ever experienced. I thought you had too.

I can still hear the echoes of our laughter in our youth. I still see the sparkle in your eyes. We were never romantic, only best friends. But being around you, wasn't 'only' anything. We were companions, with a friendship I thought would last until the end of time. But it didn't.

We talked about this. About the sad stories of friends that grew apart, about the ones that betrayed each other. We promised we would never become like that. But promises are made to be broken, right?

Nobody else quite understood me like you did. You knew when I was sobbing inside. You knew when I just needed a bit of space. You were the only one who could calm me down. I remember everything.

So what happened? What happened to us? What changed? I don't think there was an exact moment where everything was different, but I do have one memory.

There was a girl, and she was very beautiful. Much more beautiful than me. You stared at her, blushing furiously. I smirked, nudging you and teasing you about your little "crush". When she approached us, you couldn't have been happier. And I was happy for you. But she took one look at me, and you could see the disdain in her eyes. She asked you, 'Are you friends with her?' You opened your mouth to speak immediately, and I knew you would defend me. And you did. But you hesitated. You hesitated in saying anything at all. You paused before you declared that we were as close as we were. And looking back, I think there was uncertainty in your voice too. But I didn't see that. After all, we had been best friends almost from the womb.

Things changed. You drifted away. I tried my best to hold you close, but you were already too far away. I was so sad, so dejected that we would no longer laugh as we once had. Yet apparently, that wasn't enough for you. You went even further. You were the one to sever our connection, but I never expected you to take that blade and plunge it into my back.

You used to be the one to defend me from the people who teased and mocked me, the one to protect me from harm's way. What could I do when you decided to become one of them? You knew all my deepest secrets, and you exposed them to the world. All my insecurities, my self doubts. And I could only sit back and watch. Watch as the one who I used to be able to count on with such confidence, destroy everything I valued. You left me with nothing.

But now, I'm glad you gave me those experiences. Yes, you changed me. You made me cry. You were the reason I couldn't trust people anymore. But even though you pushed me down, over, and over, and over again, I couldn't hate you. You used to be my best friend. And I couldn't hate you no matter how hard I tried. So instead, I picked myself back up. Every time you shoved me to the ground, I got up. After all, why do we fall, if not to get up once more?

So I made it my goal, my resolve, to get back up, ready to fight every time I fell down. Every. Single. Time. And that was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. To keep sticking it through, to not give up. Because it would've been so easy, to just give in to all the sadness and depression. To fall into my own pit of darkness and never even attempt to crawl out.

But every time I felt like quitting, just to stop persevering, I thought of you. How we used to laugh together, and how I had laughed back then. Oh how I wanted to laugh like that again. So I didn't stop. I kept going. And unknowingly, you, the person who brought my life crashing down around me, ended up being the one that held it all together. But that's not what matters.

What matters, is that I remembered the reason why we all fall down, and chose to get up again. I never let myself stay down, only picking myself back up, time after time after time. And after a while, I could look into your eyes, and say perfectly calmly, truthfully, that I no longer cared. That nothing you could ever say would ever harm me again. Because I truly wanted not to let you ruin me, really wanted it. So all the self confidence and esteem you destroyed, all the conviction I had, I built up again even stronger.

So you would know you couldn't hurt me. That I was above that. That I was determined enough to make anything happen for myself. So I did. I let you change me. And I'm happy I did.

After all that, everything else was so easy in comparison. Because I knew that if I stuck it out till the end, everything would be okay. I mean, look at me now. And look at you. I find myself successful, happy, content. And you, working at minimum wage, struggling to support your family. So I am glad that everything played out the way it did. Because you gave me a chance to learn to persevere and work hard. To always get back up, and get up ready to fight. So I could walk proud, on my own. And maybe I didn't have our friendship to fall back on anymore. But maybe, just maybe – that was okay. 

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Hey guys, so I hope that just inspired you a little bit. I actually have no idea what this is, like I just wrote it all in one sitting and decided to publish it. And by the way, this is not me, this did not happen to me, but I know we've all had those moments of sadness, where we just want to stop everything and give up. Maybe you experienced something like this, or maybe not. But this is me (even if it's a bit cliche) telling you, never give up, always rise up and ready to fight after you fall down, and remember to be who you are, and not afraid to show it!

-naturebookworm