Twenty Different People

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Letter one | Lilian Grant

Dear Lilian,

Hey. We haven't talked in a long time—I miss you. Where have you been? You and I used to be so close, but now it's as if we don't even know each other anymore.

Do you still remember? I mean, when we were kids? Well, I do. I remember it clearer than daylight. Every single moment that I've spent with you was a blessing. You've been with me throughout my hardships, and never once did you disappoint me.

I can still recount the moment that you'd promised to shield me from anyone who'd tried to hurt me. Because you were the outgoing, funny person that everybody adored. And there I was, the socially awkward nerd sitting in the back corner, sulking.

You had everything that I wanted. Long, silky blond hair that cascaded past your shoulders. You had a set of ocean clear eyes, defined cheekbones and soft, plump lips. But I wasn't just jealous of your appearance—I wanted your personality too. Did you that know my mother often compared me to you, when you disappeared around the corner? She'd say awful things about me and how I should be more just like you.

Everything between us stayed perfect, until we reached high school. Things changed, and needless to say, you moved on. You met a group of girls at a party and called them your best friends overnight. You stayed with them throughout lunch, but where was I to sit, now that I lost you? So I ate my lunch in the bathroom, and cried. And cried.

I promise I tried to make new friends, but they rejected, saying that they wouldn't want to hang around someone like me. Yeah, the truth hurts. But, I finally went up to you and your friends in the cafeteria and asked if I could eat with you. Your friends stopped their conversations and laughter. Their faces curled up in distaste as they glanced in my direction. I mean come on, why would they sit with someone so ugly?  You smiled, but it was forced. You patted at the spot next to you and I made my way to sit there on the plastic bench.

I felt happy again. I tried to make small talk, but every time I would be left alone to speak to myself. Your friends tried their best to whisper, but I could hear them.

"Why the fuck did Lilian let this piece of shit sit here?"

Then, the same girl—probably called Brianna—wanted to invite everyone to the movies tonight, 7pm sharp. Everyone nodded their head, including you, but you had an evil smirk plastered on your face.

I should've seen it coming earlier. That night, none of you came. I even bought butter popcorn and a drink. Butter popcorn was your favourite. Such a shame you weren't there though...or do you even like butter popcorn anymore?

Let's just say the day after was terrible. 

"You thought we were actually going to be there, bitch?"

"Ugly fat ass, nobody wants to be your friend."

That last comment was from you. 

What did I do wrong? I only wanted to be your friend again...But, I kind of get it now. You didn't always want to be around someone like me. Right? So, you seized your chance and got new friends. And just left me rolling in the dust on my own.

By writing this final letter, I just wanted to bid you may last goodbye. Finally, you can get something off your chest, and I really hope that you're happy. Truly. And, with that, you are my first reason why I killed myself.