Why Did I End Up Falling For You?

Author's note: This is inspired from a song with the same title by Tohoshinki. Written circa 2008 or 2009.

The ambience is nice, isn’t it? It makes me at ease. The music is relaxing too. Everyone is talking at the same time but it doesn’t bother me. All I can hear are the music and the bells ringing ---- and all I’m looking at is you.

I keep staring, doing it on purpose so you would at least glance my way and smile. It makes my heart melt but it completes my soul.

Do you get what I mean?

Of course you do. We’ve known each other for years.

Do you remember the first time we met? It was our first year in middle school; I was sitting there, minding my own business, when you suddenly sat beside me, asking me a truck load of questions.

I was surprised.

Taken aback.

Stunned.

Shocked.

Why? Someone was talking to me. Someone was actually TALKING to me. No one had dared to talk to me so casually in school ever since I could remember. People talk to me because they had a reason. They needed something from me. That’s all. Talk to me when I become of use to you and something like that. But YOU, you were something else. And on that first meeting, I felt like I already knew you… from a past life or whatever you call it.

It was funny how you would force me teach you Math and English, to listen to you rant and drag me to your little adventures to the bars in the middle of the city. I’d rather be in the library! But no, you wouldn’t let me. You’d take me to the beach with your friends, or we’d go to the mall just to stroll. You’d call me in the middle of the night and tell me you wanted sashimi or ramen or ice cream and such ---- and being the submissive idiot that I am, I’d buy and deliver it to you. Do you remember where we’d go after class? We’d pass by at the park, where the sun and moon become one as the sun sets and the moon rises in the sky, and look for the first star that appears on the darkening heavens. Last one to see that star is the loser --- and the loser gets to carry the winner home on his back.

And yeah, you always win.

When we were in college, you’d get mad when I was absent. It would stress me out you know. You getting mad at me is something I would never know how to handle. It was natural for me to be where you were… We grew up together, shared secrets, reached for our dreams.

You hold a special meaning to me.

I just didn’t tell you.

I never told you.

Because I’m stupid;

I’m stupid because I’m scared to tell you.

And now, you’ve chosen a different path to take.

Everyone is silent now. The special significance held by this day is slowly sinking deep into me. I’m drowning. Today, you stand there so pure, so happy, and so beautiful as you pray to God. But I’m not the one standing next to you.

How can I let go?

No matter how much time has passed since you had told me, I still can’t admit this is part of reality. How can I face this? It’s suffocating me… and every smile I fake kills me softly. How we were before ---- we can’t return to it anymore.

Why couldn’t I call out to you at all? Why didn’t I hold on to your hand? Every day and night, growing emotions and words overflow but they’d never reach you… and they never will now. Why couldn’t you stay by my side…?

I take a deep breath as everything ends; you walk on the aisle again --- holding on to the path you’ve chosen. And as you pass by… I’m praying for you eternal happiness… even if I’m nowhere near you anymore. No matter how much the loneliness creeps inside me --- no matter how much it kills me.

どうして君を好きになってしまったんだろう？

Doushite kimi wo suki ni natte shimattan darou?

Why did I end up falling for you?