The Office Party

Part 7

I take a deep breath. 'You're a bitch, Diana. You really are. Do you know it's barely an hour since I was just here, since our meeting was breaking up? Do you even realise you touched me then? That we were flirting? That you were behind me and touched me, in the same way you've just touched that girl? While the memory of your touch is still warm on me, you go and touch her. Think I didn't see that, hmm?'

Diana shifts on her feet, but I plough on. 'God knows what else the two of you did in here.' I glance around, resting my eyes on the sofa in the corner for a moment. 'Actually, no, I know exactly what you were doing.' The image of Diana and the girl together on the sofa is suddenly clear in my mind, and I feel it start to choke me. I can clearly imagine the girl lying back, her face flushed and eager as Diana kisses her, fingers fumbling her blouse open and brushing over her bare thighs, sliding under her skirt, parting her long legs, while the girl guides Diana's body down onto hers. No hesitant kissing and touching here.

More fool me, for thinking Diana was being respectful when we kissed at that party. 'While I was downstairs, working myself up to come and talk to you, you were fucking her on that sofa.' I look back at her and realise with a sickening clarity that I've got that bit exactly right. Her expression tells me I've guessed right. The anger starts to hurt me, but I try not to shout. I take another deep breath and keep my voice level. 'I just wanted to come and talk to you, to explain and apologise for my behaviour last week. To tell you how I feel about you, to try and find some way of making this work. Whatever it is we have.'

Diana moves forward, about to touch me on the arm again. I bat her hand away and almost lose my temper again. 'Is that the hand you used? On her, just now? Still reeking of sex, still warm from her? And you want to touch me with it, now?' I know I'm starting to sound unreasonable, am losing this part of the argument, but the anger and jealousy is tightening its grip again. I feel my eyes start to prick.

Diana spreads her arms. 'I agree we have something, Fiona. What do you think it is? How do you see it?'

'We have nothing, Diana. Not now. Not while you can go whoring it around the office, minutes after flirting with me.' I poke the air between us with a finger. 'A college friend of mine would call you a “pussy hound”, but none of these words, “player”, whatever, none of them get over the destructive misery your behaviour causes.' I wave backwards vaguely as I feel myself get worked up again. 'That girl there, how long will that last, hmm? You'll screw her in here a few times, maybe install her at home for a few weeks, then you'll get bored and move on and every time you walk past her in the mornings it'll be someone else to feel just a little bit awkward around. And do you know what she'll think about it? Do you even care? You are a hard-hearted, selfish bitch, you really are.'

That provokes Diana into a reaction. I see her cheeks flush slightly. 'Selfish? At least I'm not a clit-teaser like you. Now, that's selfish. The girls I go for are all happy with it, I make sure of that. They know what's going on, they know it's a game. They know how to have fun, Fiona.'

'Unlike me, you mean? The frigid little clit-teaser? I've been called a few things before, Diana, but not that.' I know that we will probably never see eye-to-eye now. 'Thanks for being clear about what you think of me, anyway.' I wave at the door again. 'I'm not like her, or the others. I don't want to be. And God alone knows why, but I feel for you in ways that make me want something special between us. I don't want to be a quick office fumble on your sofa, Diana, I want to be something different to you, something more. But you just want the quick fuck. Well, sorry. Not from me.'

I clasp the case file to myself and walk quickly out of her office, before I start to cry.

Michelle catches me up at the end of the corridor, and hugs me silently for a moment. 'I saw you stride past, thought you looked cross. Come on,' she says softly. 'Let's go outside for a sec.'

***

I cadge a cigarette off her, my first since university, and cough and splutter through the first few sucks. But it does make me feel better, however temporarily, and it's nice to sit quietly with Michelle.

'We've had words, Diana and me. I don't think we'll be talking again any time soon.'

Michelle strokes my arm. 'Babes, I'm sorry. But you know what she's like.'

I feel my eyes prick again, but it could be just the fag smoke. 'Yeah. But while I was waiting to see her, Michelle. I mean, really? She was fucking that girl off reception, while I was there, talking to Sandra. I'd gone up specially to tell her how I felt.'

It's suddenly crystal clear that what I feel for Diana and what she feels for me are so different, and I finally start to cry properly. Michelle throws my half-smoked cigarette away and holds me close while I sob into her shoulder.