Just Alice

Prologue

          When a child loses a mother twice, does it mean life wants her to be miserable? I’ve never been one to use profanities much, but if there was a time to be entitled the use of such words it would be now. I want to say ‘Fuck you, life! and you truly are a bitch!’ I just don’t get it… She was so young, beautiful, and full of life. Why must she be taken from me now? Why would she leave me behind? I can’t accept this, I simply can’t. Smile Alice don’t you dare cry. She’s not de…gone, she just went away for a while… I watch as people go into the funeral home, but they won’t find her there. There’s only emptiness and coldness in there. I won’t go in since I won’t find her there. I’ll keep her beautiful self in my memories with her usual warm smile that made me feel safe and loved, until the day I see her again. So no thank you I won’t go in there. In there where there’s only grief and pain.

            I see Daniels heading my way looking more dead than alive. Please someone make him go away, I don’t need this right now. When he finally reaches me, the tiniest hint of emotion I find in his eyes as they look back at me is pity. I shut my eyes and sigh. When I finally open them I give him a smile that I know doesn’t reach my eyes, but it’ll have to do for today. “Hello Daniels.” Is all I managed to say. “Hey Alicia, are you ok?” Daniels says dejectedly. I gulp down the grief that’s threatening to surface. Keep smiling Alice, no matter what don’t cry and keep smiling. “I’m fine, why wouldn’t I be?” He looks into my eyes and I look down reflectively. He grabs my hand comfortingly as he says, “Come on let’s go in.” I know he’s trying to make me feel better but he’s only making it worse as now my eyes became watery. I open my eyes widely to keep any tears from spilling as I pull my hand away from his grasp. I look at him, smile and say, “She’s not there so there’s no reason for me to be. Tell my father I’m going home.” “Alicia…Want me to drive you?” He says with concern evident in his voice. “No thank you. The driver that drove me here will drive me back.” I turn around but before walking away I tell him one last thing. “And Daniels, please call me Alice, just Alice the way Mary did.”

            Now finally on my way home I could relax and keep myself from crying as I watch the scenery out my window pass by in a blur. It’s not that the driver is going too fast, it’s just that my mind is only preoccupied with thoughts of Mary… Mary, my most beloved Mary, I refuse to accept that you’re gone. I won’t acknowledge it. You’re out there somewhere and I’ll wait for you always, I’ll never let go. I’ll keep on smiling for you until the day you come get me…