Difficilis Iudicii

I

White walls and a blinding light were all I could see. The floor was cold and hard, it sent shivers through my legs and up my spine. The straight jacket made my arms sore. Blood dripped down my face and onto my white gown. "If we let you out do you promise to behave?" a voice said from outside the white walls. "yes I promise I'll behave" I barely whispered through my dry cracked lips. One of the walls opened up and a nurse walked in. Her heels clicking like hands on a clock. "Look at you dear you've gone and bloodied yourself up again" she said touching the wound on my head. "I didn't like the white walls so I made them pretty with red" I whispered wincing at her touch. "I'll fix this right up and you can go" she said pulling out bandages and alcohol. Tears streamed down my cheeks because of the pain. "You're taking this very well usually people scream from the sting" the nurse said applying the bandage. "I don't scream at pain ma'am I enjoy it" I said my voice cracking. The nurse gave me a concerned look but then unbuckled the straight jacket. She handed me a new pair of clothes and sent me on my way. I wandered down the halls of the old building. The deep red paint peeling off the walls and the black carpet fading to a greyish color. "Dea I see they let you out" a voice said from behind me. I stopped and turned around sharply. The voice belonged to Malum, one could say he had the disease of trouble. "Yes Malum they did. I promised to behave." I replied. He took a step closer to me. I could feel his breath on my face he was so close. "That might not last long. You do like to get into trouble Dea" he said a malevolent look in his eyes. I took a step back and continued my way to my room. when I finally got there I changed into the black gown the nurse gave me. it had gold accents on it. I looked into my mirror an observed my face. My skin vibrant in olive color but had a grey overlay, slight bags under my eyes and a bandage on my forehead from bashing it on the white walls. I stepped closer and looked into my eyes, so dark they could've been black. I left my room and wandered the halls once more. I tended to wander a lot. I eventually made my way to the music room and heard someone playing piano. It was a slow and tranquil tune. I began to dance swaying my hips left and right my hands gliding in the air. twirling every which way, my long black hair swinging as well. I closed my eyes losing myself in the music. The person playing left soon but I stayed the tune stuck in my head. As I was dancing I would feel someone's eyes on me. I stopped in my tracks and looked around, my eyes snapping from place to place. Then I saw her. "Headmistress you frightened me" I said to the tall, thin woman. "Dea you're going to be late for supper" she said sharply. "Yes sorry Headmistress I'll go at once" I said quickly and then dashed out of the room keeping my head down. I entered the dining room and all eyes fell on me. The only open seat was next to Malum. I quickly sat down and didn't make eye contact with anyone. I dug my nails into the side of the leather chair and my head began to pound. I quickly grabbed a glass of water and downed it my dry throat clenched from the freezing water. A hand snaked its way into my left thigh and I quickly slapped it away. "Aw Dea don't be fresh" Malum said in a hushed voice. He again tried to place his hand on my thigh and I grabbed him by the wrist and looked him in the eyes. "I'd keep your hands to yourself unless you don't want to keep them at all" I said venomously my grip tightening on his wrist. He gave me a flirty look then removed my hand from his wrist. "You know you like it" he said. before I could say anything the chefs brought out the food and the nurses our daily pills. I quickly ate my food then took my pills. I excused myself from the table and ran to my room. I slammed onto my bed and screamed into my pillow, again and again until I couldn't scream anymore. I stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. i got up and took off my gown. i walked into my bathroom and started up a bath. i got in when it was full of steaming water. It burned my skin but I didn't mind. I slowly sank into the water taking a long breath before completely going under. I imagined I was in an underwater kingdom. I was the queen and all my subjects loved me. Just then I inhaled water, my eyes snapped open and i went to the surface of the water coughing up water. I took a bunch of deep breaths quickly regaining my composure. I looked down into the water and saw my bruised body. "You like it Dea" a voice in the back of my head kept repeating. Voices kept swimming around in my head. "You like the way it feels Dea" "It doesn't hurt Baby Dea" "YOU LOVE IT DEA". I began to get light headed. "Stop it" i whispered. The voices persisted. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD" i yelled, my voice cracking. the voiced stopped at once. Tears streamed down my face and fell into the water below. I pulled the drain on the tub and got out. I dried myself and put on my night gown. I walked over to my record player and put on a song that helped me sleep. I laid down on my bead and let the music consume me. Then I drifted off into a deep sleep.