If You Say So

if someone told me when i was a child that one day i'd be on broadway, on a hit tv show that was nominated and won so many awards, that'd i'd fall in love and be debuting my own cd by the age of 27; i would have never believed you.

and if you told me the person i had fallen in love with would be taken away from me at a young age, i would've wished you never told me anything at all.

it had been a few months since Cory had passed away but it was all still so new and fresh to me, I thought about him and everything that happened all the time. I had tried to help him, he even tried to help himself but at the end of the day, it wasn't enough. and with all of the pressure with finishing up my new album, i wasn't sure i could handle it all; the songs, deciding on the first single, the promotion, photo shoots, the press and paparazzi but mostly, the memories. they were always there, they were unforgettable and being outside with people constantly asking if you're okay and how you're dealing with his death, wasn't helping or making me feel better, it only made it worse if that was even possible. I just wanted to avoid it all, and the only escape i had was hiding out in a friends house. although I knew I couldn't stay there forever, it was hard being around his things. everything was still in place as if he had never permanently left, as if he was only away for now but he'd be back to mess up the bed and throw his clothes all around the room soon.

but I also knew that if I wasn't going to be at my own home for a few more days, I needed more clothes, which meant going back to my house to get them.

Kate called up her driver for me and we set out to my house, even though I said I could go alone she insisted on tagging along and it didn't bother me considering I wasn't really sure if I believed myself when I said id be fine alone.

the ride to my house was quiet and not very long, I didn't live too far away from Kate so her house has always been like a second home to me. I was pleased to see no paparazzi around my empty house. I guess they soon realized that I wasn't there and gave up, but I knew they'd come back once they found out I was seen there.

we walked up to the house and I got out my keys, hesitant for a moment before unlocking the door and swinging it open. I walked inside and Kate followed behind me; it was so odd being here, like someone showing me an old house I grew up in, you just looked around and instantly saw memories. but instead of old marks on the doorframe that showed how tall I had gotten as time passed, I saw me and him, everywhere. I saw us in the kitchen making dinner, I usually cooked but he was a good helper. I saw us on the couch, him holding me close and keeping me warm while we watched a movie or even a hockey game, which I had grown to love because of him. I felt my eyes well up a little with tears and shook my head, trying to shake away the memories.

"hey, are you okay?" I heard kate ask as she took a step closer to me. I nodded with a small smile to reassure her I was, I wanted her to think I could do this even if she thought I couldn't. I cleared my throat and started walking upstairs with Kate following behind me again. I turned right to walk down the hallway but as we got closer to my room I started feeling a little lightheaded. "I um, I have to use the bathroom. I'll be right in though, okay?" I said to Kate and she looked at me for a moment before nodding, "I'll grab some of your stuff too." she replied and waited for my nod before heading into the bedroom. I turned around and walked to the bathroom, closing the door behind me and let out a deep breath as I held onto the sink. i felt like it shouldn't be this hard for me, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be and I was only here to get a few items of clothes, it made me nervous and unsure if I would be ready to be back in my own home in the next week or so. but before I could continue doubting myself my phone interrupted my thoughts, I reached into my pocket and went to hit ignore before I saw who it was. it was my manager and I knew i had to answer the call because there was still so much we had to do in a short amount of time. I hit the answer button and held my phone to my ear, "hey," I said into the phone. "hey, Lea, just wanted to let you know that the album is basically finished! we just want you to come in for one more listen to make sure it all sounds good to you and then we can finish up!" I couldn't help the smile that over-took my face. things were bad lately but my album and making music has been so much help. "wow, that's great. i can come in tomorrow at eight o'clock, is that a good time?" I said as I started to pace, I heard my manager chuckle before replying, "how about ten, we don't need you over-working yourself. you're allowed to sleep in sometimes." I let out a breath of air and a soft laugh as he continued, "look, I have to go but I'll see you tomorrow. oh and, before I go I just wanted to let you know that if there's anything you want to add last minute it needs to be brought in tomorrow" we said our goodbyes before hanging up and I shoved my phone back into my pocket as I made my way out of the bathroom, I was feeling better now and made my way into my bedroom. our bedroom.

I walked in and Kate was holding a suitcase with what I assumed had my clothes in it. she smiled at me and I smiled back, holding in the good news for now as I made my way over to the dresser. "hey, meet me in the car?" I asked Kate as I looked at the photos on top of the dressers. I could tell she was hesitant but she agreed and left me to be alone. I let out a quiet sigh as I looked at his smile, his beautiful crooked smile. my smile. I got to see that smile everyday and it was etched into my head, not that I was complaining, I just missed it. I opened the top drawer and ran my hand along his clothes slowly before grabbing a camouflage sweater, one he wore a lot a home and held it against my chest. it still smelled like him and that made my heart ache. I closed my eyes, enjoying the moment as my mind raced and brought me back to a conversation that I would never forget.

*flashback*

"I can't wait for you to come home, it feels like we've been apart for a lot longer than a few days." I heard him laugh a little over the phone before responding, "I know. I miss you a lot, it sucks that you had to go back home without me but I know you're in the process of finishing your album so it's okay. just a few more days, babe." I smiled and nodded even though I knew he couldn't see me. I had this overwhelming feeling and sort of a word vomit which made me reply with, "I love you." I could tell he was smiling when he replied; "I love you too," "yeah, but I love you more." I said as I sat on the bed, placing a pillow on my lap and played with the ends of the pillowcase. "no, that's not possible." he replied and I said "but it is," with a soft laugh. "if you say so," were the last words I heard him say.

*end of flashback*

shaking my head I stepped away from the dresser, still holding onto his sweater tighter than I realized and that's when it hit me. I knew I wanted to add something to the album but I wasn't sure what and now, I definitely knew.