When we got to the hotel, I unpacked and started yelling at my husband. "Babe I thought we weren't going to fight." He assumed. "Well you thought wrong. Are you fucking serious?" "What" He asked in a confused tone. "Oh I was looking for Celica, do you really think I am that fucking stupid? Was that you? Did you kill the kids" I blurted out without intention. My husbands face turned from confused to concerned. "No I did'nt and I am in extreme pain right now from what happened, babe, I'm not going to yell at you, but what makes you think I killed them?" He asked. "Sorry baby, I just have a lot of things going through my mind and I'm just confused." I cried. "Well you know what, I love you no matter what and you just wittnessed the same thing I did, we wen't through alot but nothing as bad as this, but it takes time to recover, I promise I will be with you no matter what, what ever you need, just tell me, I think you need some sleep, goodnight babe." He turned off the light. "Goodnight." I mumbled under my tears.
"Baby," I yelped while I was walking into the kitchen, "I just had the strangest dream, we had to move out of our house because-" I stopped because I realized it was not a dream. "Good morninig babe, and that wan't a dream although I prayed and hope it was-" He replied "I made you some coffee, if you need it, how did you sleep?" "Terrible." I couldn't stop crying, I just wish it happened to me, not to them. Why did this have to happen, I'm scared, I really am, where is Celica, I need to hold her hand." I started to cry and tried to stop. "Mom? Is that you?" Celica asked. "Hi sweetie, need a hug?" I responded. I got on the bed and gave her one anyway. "Wan't some eggs or pancakes? We can go out for breakfeast if you want." I questioned "Okay, can we go to cracker barrel?" She answered "Uh-hu, you okay honney?" "Yeah mom, I'm just kind-of scared, what if anything happens to me, or you, or even dad." "Sweetie, we are most definetly not going to live our lives worrying , Okay? We are not going to be sad every day, we will beat the saddness. C'mon lets go" I tried very hard to make her feel better.
After a few days things started going downfall. My daughter suffered anxiety, depression and who knew what else. She couldn't trust anyone and didn't talk to me normally. I tried to give her all my undivided attention and give her unconditional, I took her to a therapist, the first time she went there, I can still remember; she walked in and sat on the floor in front of the chair, the therapist asked her many questions and she gave many answers. He told her to name the first thing that came to her mind when he said the following words: life: maze
love: try
death: stuck
gun: family
murder: me
The therapist told me she was just confused in life, but if she took her pills regularly, she would be fine and possibly recover if she received the love she yearned for. I told the therapist that she didn't seem to wan't love, but the therapist just said "try." I had so many questions to ask that she couldn't possibly answer. I knew that she couldn't answer them.
