My Story

I apologize in advance for this bullshit

It started in second grade. I moved from Georgia to California and I was not at all prepared for the sudden and drastic changes that took place. I was at a new school in the middle of the year and was slowly developing horrible general anxiety. My home life was not great and it only got worse. Skip ahead through all of the useless drama to sixth grade. Suddenly, I have a desire to fit in. I join a bad crowd, get into alcohol, but never anything too extreme. Summer between sixth and seventh grade, my anxiety is absolutely horrible and causes almost crippling depression. I start cutting, carving, burning, drinking, anything to dull the pain. I begin to crave death. Eighth grade rolls around and my anxiety and self harming only gets worse. I'm now extremely suicidal. I get put in therapy after much refusal from my narcissistic parents and a call to CPS. Therapy doesn't help at all. Because for six months in eighth grade, I was in a horribly abusive relationship. She would beat the shit out of me at least once every day, making sure never to leave bruises in visible places. I became an expert at sneaking out because I had to go to every single party with her. She makes me stop eating. Makes me throw up when I do eat. I hate myself. I can never be loved. These were the things I reminded myself everyday, and then was reminded by her. One day, I ate. She found out and she freaked. She was screaming at me, throwing me to the floor, hitting and kicking me. She pulls me up by my hair and slams my head against the wall. I wake up with a horrible headache, chained up to a bed. I have no clue where I am. My clothes have disappeared. She comes back in and tells me that I disobeyed her and needed to pay for what I did. And that was the first time she raped me. There were a few more times, but I don't remember them. The other time I do remember is when we went to a frat party and I refused to share a joint with her. She spiked my drink. I just barely regain consciousness and I see five other guys in the room with her. Same situation as last time: chained up and no clothes. They proceed to gang rape me. For the next month and a half, I puke my guts out almost nonstop. I thought I was pregnant and that was the most terrifying experience of my life. Luckily, I wasn't. A little while after that, this girlfriend disappears off the face of the planet. I think she died. I hope she died. Is that wrong of me? Probably. But I'm a horrible person anyway. I'm surprised I haven't been hospitalized yet, I'm such a crazy bitch. But I guess that's the thing about crazy bitches: no one knows they're crazy unless they choose to make it known.

I'm sure most of you are confused. "Why the fuck did you stay with that bitch?" Honestly? I thought I deserved it. I realize now that that was stupid, but I honestly believed it.

I am, thankfully, in a better spot now. I have an amazing girlfriend who I am absolutely in love with. I still struggle with self harm, anorexia, bulimia, depression, and anxiety every single day. But now, I have someone I am willing to live for. And that's pretty fucking great.

And before you ask, no, I am not over it. I am not recovered. I have nightmares every night about what she did, what they did, to the point where sleep scares me. I still flinch ever time someone moves too quickly or unexpectedly. But I am slowly piecing back together my shattered soul.

I am NOT looking for attention or pity or sympathy or anything by publishing this. I am in a bad place right now and I thought that writing this down for the world to see would help me feel just a little better. And you know what? It did. Even if no one reads this, I do feel better. And if I can help just one person by writing this, then I know I did the right thing. Please, I am here to talk if you need it. I promise full confidentiality and no information need be exchanged. No names, phone numbers, social media accounts, nothing. Simply what is going on and what you can do to help yourself. I am here for you. You are not alone. And remember this: you are beautiful and perfect and you do matter.

Thank you for listening to my bullshit. I apologize.